Fertility Specialist Appointment

Yesterday was the big day. I had no idea what to expect going in to the appointment, I assumed the doctor would look at my films, ask a few questions, give his recommendations and then send me on my merry way. Of course that's not really how it went.

Cam and Adi came along, what great sports they were! The first hour was spent waiting, giving info to the nurse, waiting some more. Finally we met the doctor, a young woman (unfortunately didn't catch her name) who took more information, asked more questions and finally looked at my films. All of this was in intervals as she left the room to ask a question or check on something. I felt a little discouraged because I knew she was a new doctor but she was really sweet and thorough so who am I to complain?

After looking at my films an ultrasound was ordered, which I did not expect at all. It was quick and easy and really not a big deal. It was nice to have confirmation that my uterus is really quite nice - the tech cheered "yay! look how pretty it is!" my response was, "you know you've come to a weird place in life when you look at your uterus and describe it as pretty". Honestly I think the ultrasound was the most entertaining part of my visit. Strange but true.

So after the ultrasound, we waited some more. I can't believe Adi did so well. She was amazing, and Cam was too. Finally, about 4 hours after we arrived the doctor came back into the room toting Dr. Syrop. HURRRRAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! I was so relieved to know that the final recommendation was to be given by a seasoned expert. I'm so sorry sweet young doctor lady - I'm sure if she was in my position she would understand.

Dr. Syrop's recommendation was nothing. Ha ha. Can you believe it? I was a bit confused, but that was what I got. He saw no value in surgery. We are getting pregnant, just not staying that way. And while we could do surgery, there is no guarantee that we won't miscarry again. Ultimately, we have a slightly elevated chance of miscarriage than the lady next door, but statistically speaking we have a better chance of having a viable pregnancy than a failed one. I thought that was really interesting.

The plan is that if we encounter another ectopic pregnancy, we will do laprascopic surgery to remove it rather than using methotrexate. That way we will be able to get a better picture of what is going on in there with dual purpose. I liked that alternative, at this point I would prefer to have surgery than recieve another dose of methotrexate. That stuff is just aweful. As a matter of fact, Dr. Syrop recommended that we wait at least until January to try getting pregnant again because the methotrexate hangs out in the fatty tissues for quite a while and we don't want to risk birth defects because of it!

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about everything. In many ways I wish the radiologist had kept his mouth shut. Harsh, I know. I would have been (and was) happy to accept Dr. Adam's recommendation to do nothing further and just go with it. I feel in some ways like yesterday was a very costly day for me.

I had an initial freak out of, "oh crap, what if something really serious is wrong with me - is that why I have to go see a specialist?" My faith and values have taken a beating over the past two weeks (more really) as Cam and I have disagreed at length about what to do - he wanted to do nothing and I wanted to do whatever the doctor said we should do. I had to take unpaid time off from work during the most expensive month of the year. My family had to spend four hours in a hospital clinic patiently waiting with me. All of this to confirm that we should do nothing.

I am grateful for the confirmation. I am. I just feel a bit like I've been dragged through the mud for a while. A long while. I just want to take a shower and wash myself clean. Shouldn't that be an easy thing to do? It's a lot harder than it sounds.

So that was my big day. The doctor confirmed for us that we should do nothing more or less than keep our faith in God and trust that His will is what's best for us and we aren't in control here. I'm being deeply challenged. I wish I could say that my faith has stayed solid through all of this, but it's just not true. I've been tested and there have been many moments in which I've failed miserably. But I haven't given up. I'm still hangin on, it might be just by a thread some days, but I'm still hangin on.

Made a Fertility Specialist Appointment

OK, I heard from the nurse and was informed that I'm really lucky to get an appointment so soon - apparently there was a cancellation so my appointment is at 9:00 on Dec 13th. Apparently it usually takes at least a month to get in so I'm grateful that scheduling was in my favor. Don't know the name of the doc yet - I have to call to find out.

I've heard great things about the Women's Center at the University so I'm looking forward to it.

Update

I just got a call from the doc (you know it's never good news if the doc calls instead of the nurse) and apparently the radiologist was reviewing my x-rays and suspected that whatever he was seeing was more significant than what my OB/GYN thought. So they are setting up an appointment with a specialist at the University and I'll know within the next couple of days when that will actually be...

My HSG

The test went much better than expected! I think I was overwhelmed and confused because I had no idea what we would find out, and in some ways I dreaded the results. But my uterus is perfect (praise Jesus) and both tubes seem to have slight "dilation" near the ends but are still open. The doc said we can see a specialist and see what they would recommend but she doesn't think we should do anything. I have mixed feelings about that Often women who have this test done end up getting pregnant right away afterward because the dye (iodine) cleans them out. It's almost like a cleanse in a way.

After the test we were leaving the hospital and Cam was asking what I was thinking and I just became completely overwhelmed and didn't really know what I thought. It all felt so personal and I didn't want to discuss it in public (there was a stranger walking about 15 feet ahead of us) so I ended up crying but didn't really know why. I think I just needed time to process and it felt like Cam was grilling me but I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

Physically I feel just fine. The worst of it was the actual injection which they had to do twice because the doc and tech weren't in sync and the tech didn't realize the doc was doing the first injection so that kind of sucked but Cam brought up the point that maybe that was good since my tubes got a double flush that way ;) It was uncomfortable but I was so prepared for that... and I feel perfect now so it's all good. I imagine I'll still need more time to think about our options but ultimately I can't imagine the test having gone much better than it did. Thank God for that!

Scheduled Appointment

I called my doctor this morning with confidence and a little bit of excitement to finally schedule my HSG. The official appointment is next Wedn the 28th at 7:30 a.m.

I have to admit that hearing a testimony again yesterday that I had heard once before at the women's retreat really had me thinking and second guessing myself. The part that kept playing over in my head was that my friend was writhing beneath the technician's hand as the test was performed, and how violating the experience was for her.

I had to stop and question, once again, whether doing this test was actually an act of loss of faith. That idea felt devastating to me and I just didn't know what the answer was. After Cam and I talked more about it, we agreed that going forward with the test was the right thing for us to do. Though my faith has been a bit shaky as of late, I don't consider my faith to be placed in the medical community rather than Jesus. If anything, I'm more dependent now on Jesus than ever before.

For me, I believe that moving forward with the test is accepting an option that has been laid before me, technological or not (wasn't it God who blessed the individuals with the insight to develop the technology in the first place? That's a whole other question - sheesh). At this point we're opting for a diagnostic test to tell us why we've been pregnant five times but only have one child. To be honest, I don't know exactly what we'll choose to actually "do about it" once we know what the problem is. That's the next step, the next level. And I trust Jesus to help us through that as well.

When I look back at my life and remember some the times I've writhed through something, I can see that something good came from the most memorable (and painful) experiences. I writhed under the hand of the ultrasound technician as we saw the first images of our little Adi in my womb because my bladder was so full I thought it might explode. But we saw a healthy baby in there and that made it worth it. I writhed in my bed for 4 or 5 nights struggling through contractions before I gave birth to my daughter. The writhing was worth it.

Having an HSG and writhing once again beneath a technician's hand will be well worth the possibility of preventing another miscarriage. My heart and mind just won't let me continue running into the same brick wall again. I can't just keep doing what I've been doing the same way and expect different results. I am comfortable and confident in my decision knowing full well what to expect but it will be far far better than enduring the loss of another child.

Wait and Wait Some More

The doctor wants to wait until my hcg gets down to zero and my first official cycle before doing the HSG. I'm a little bummed, just because part of me just wants to move forward. Truly, though, it's probably best that I have to wait so I have more time and space to properly grieve the loss of this baby. It's so easy for me to forge onward, but when it comes to being in the moment and really experiencing life as it is I'm out of my box. I need to work on that.

So now I wait some more. Here's the patience lesson. God has waited on me all of these years to accept His son and know Him and His word. He's been so patient with me yet here I am still expecting what I want when I want it! So now I choose to wait on God. He's faithfully waited on me and I want to faithfully wait on Him. I know it's my turn to wait, so I pray:

"God, grant me the patience to wait on your plan. To experience this loss for what it is and to really feel it. To know the agony of losing a precious life, a precious child. And as I wait, I pray for Your great wisdom. I pray that I will experience Your truest grace and really know You."

To Be Hurt Deeply

"I have tried and I cannot find either in scripture or history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply."-Charles Swindoll

I found that quote on some one's myspace page and it made me wonder why that's true? Will God use me in this, through this or because of this? I don't know the answer to those questions but I do know that I'm hurting deeply. It really hit me today when I saw a support group website online today that was called "I Never Got to Hold You". When I realized the caliber of that statement and what it meant to me I was ruined for the day.

Yesterday I passed a long tubular shaped thing that looked like a stretched out version of a gestational sac and its contents. It was weird to see that. My past ectopic was different in that I passed small bits and pieces but nothing intact. I think that experience solidified what is really going on and I knew that I really did just lose my baby.

So the past couple of days have been really emotional. The timing seems odd since I started this whole process over 2 weeks ago and I'm just now beginning the grieving process but I'm grateful to be here; finally grieving.

I called my doc today to ask about an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) - the dye test that I refused last time around. When in comes right down to it I just don't think I can handle another miscarriage. At least not without knowing I did everything I possibly could to avoid it. I'm swallowing my stubborn pride and submitting to medical tests that truly could make a big big impact on my life at this point.

I spoke with the nurse about the procedure and I learned that I won't have to go to a specialist for this particular test. She spent so much time explaining everything to me and making sure all my questions were answered before we ended the conversation. It was nice to have someone take that time out and speak so thoroughly to me given my hesitations. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. The thought of going to a different doctor at this point broke my heart and when I got off the phone I cried. I've been doing a lot of that over the past couple of days.

At this point I'm just waiting to hear back about whether the doctor wants to go ahead and do the test on Monday (day 10 of this "cycle" if the doctor considers this my first cycle) or wait until I have my first official cycle. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. That means a lot to me so I think I'm going to stay put for now. I reserve my right to change my mind at any given moment, however ;)

I pray, "Oh God, forgive me for cursing your ways over the past couple of days as I've dealt with some tough emotions. It's so challenging that my nature is to fight you, but of course you always win. I'm learning lessons in trust, patience, and surrender. Not easy lessons for a fighter like me. Thank you for your patience with me. Please keep my heart soft, open my ears so I can hear you when you speak to me. Bless me with strength to obey and hold me when I am weak and can't do much more than cry and beg for peace. Amen.

Thank God for Clary Sage

Thank God I'm finally bleeding. And heavy cramps are the proper accompaniment. I realize that I in many ways I associate the physical pain of the bleeding process with the emotional pain of loss. I'm not so sure what that says other than that I've been through this a few times and that's what I expect and need to process. Moving onward...

Something to Ponder

When I was checking out my Aromatherapy Bible the other day to see what essential oils might help me heal more quickly I found a list of oils that should be avoided in the first 3 months of pregnancy. Among them was lavender oil. I was shocked! My skin care product's main ingredient is lavender oil. I use lavender oil in my massage room when doing shiatsu sessions for relaxation purposes. My liquid hand soap has lavender oil in it. Lavender oil is a part of my every day life!

I wanted to find a natural product at the Co-op that didn't contain lavender oil (or chamomile for the same reason) just in case my products had any part in my last miscarriage. I couldn't find one. It was crazy! And none of them had warnings for pregnant women. I'm sure most women don't have problems but isn't it interesting that my book warned against these oils but no product that contains them does...

Any Recommendations?

Cam and I are thinking about our options for the future. We refused tests of all kinds in the past but are now feeling like we might be interested in having some tests done. I just don't think I can keep doing this. If there is something simple that could be done to prevent future miscarriages I feel like I need to head in that direction. I want to go into that feeling well informed and hearing stories from as many other women as possible. So if you have a story you can share with me I would appreciate it sooooo much!

Also, I'd like to know what doctors come highly recommended. I often feel like OB/GYN is just a crazy place and I like my doc but there are others in the practice that I just don't jive with. I also would love to hear about specialists and I'm curious about the University as I've only been at Mercy thus far.

I can't wait to hear everyone's input. It means a lot to me.

Where I Am and Where I Am Not

After a week long battle with a killer yeast infection I finally gave in and called the doc. I got the prescription pill diflucan to take care of it. I thought I could handle it on my own using homeopathic treatments but the methotrexate wiped out all the good bacteria in my gut and things just weren't working out. Anyone who has had a yeast infection knows how consistently painful it can be. The diflucan is working, though it did make me nauseous. Small price to pay for relief.

I started spotting a little bit yesterday (my 31st birthday - Happy Birthday to me ;) but I'm not bleeding. I need to bleed. I so want this to be over and I don't feel like I can have that closure without the cleansing process. Last time around (ectopic) I happened to have an aromatherapy class and learned that clary sage encourages menstruation so I put some in my bath salts and bled the next day. I'm going to try that again for the sake of my process. I don't even feel like I've lost anything. I must be in some sort of denial. I don't get it. I think I'm confused somehow, maybe just because the whole thing has taken so long? I don't know. I want to mourn but it doesn't seem appropriate yet. Weird.

Shot #2

I received news today that my hcg dropped to 6500 - the doc was hoping for more like 4500 so I got shot #2 in the ER tonight. I wasn't really prepared for whatever reason... I just didn't think that I would need a second dose. I feel so dirty and violated by this medication. I have a whole new heart and perspective for people out there who receive this type of chemo therapy drug for cancer, arthritis, or whatever other ailments they may have.

Methotrexate is saving my fallopian tubes but at no small cost. I expect my symptoms the second time around to be twice as bad or last twice as long or something. I have no idea if that's true, it just makes sense to me. One of the few things that makes sense right now. But life doesn't really need to make sense. Maybe I've just wasted so much time throughout my life trying to make sense of everything. Hmmmm.

What if I just trusted God? What if I just put my faith in Jesus and didn't spend so much energy on this world and it's stuff? Would that make me a better person? A better Christian? What if I stopped thinking and started doing? That's a scary thought. I don't know if I can handle that.

Twinges

Last night was pretty rough. Since Saturday night I had been feeling small twinges in my lower abdomen - mostly on the left side. I thought that was strange considering the ectopic is supposedly located on the right side. Then after church yesterday I realized that the twinges were more on the right now and they were annoying me.

I decided to call the doctor on-call just to verify that what I was experiencing was OK and nothing to be concerned about. She informed me that what I was feeling was most likely the tissue dying and was normal. I interpreted that as "Oh, so what you're feeling now is your baby finally giving up and dying..." It was not only horrifying but devastating as well.

As if it's not bad enough to just know that there is an impending miscarriage, now I have to also experience the sensations of my baby dying inside me. That's intense! I guess on the slightly brighter side I now have an indication that the methotrexate is finally working and I hopefully won't need another dose.

So the waiting continues until tomorrow when I get more blood work done. I pray: Oh Jesus, I need your comfort. Please bless me with patience as I wait. I need your presence through every stage of this miscarriage no matter how long it takes! It feels like so long. Please keep my heart soft and help me face the fire. I don't want to turn away. I want to stay right here. Please stay near Lord. Amen.

Hcg Over 7800

I know that methotrexate can take a while to work but the results of my hcg test yesterday were so frustrating! On Tuesday at 5:00 pm my levels were around 4300. So approximately 66 hours later my levels nearly doubled (remember that normal rate of increase is doubling every 48-72 hours).

A shadow of hope for a miracle fell over me - maybe Jesus moved my little one to a safe place in my uterus and it was growing steadily there. The worst part about miscarriage is the roller coaster ride. Ultimately I feel like holding on to a hope that a miracle has taken place is silly and for my own sanity I need to accept this lost pregnancy for just that - even though it's not lost yet and is actually continuing to develop at what could be considered a healthy rate. The whole thing is mind bending.

So I go back on Tuesday for more blood work. I may have to get another shot. I do have to say that if my hcg continues to increase I will demand an ultrasound before allowing them to give me another injection of methotrexate. Oh man, that stuff is just nasty. I can only imagine what it is doing to my body. I feel like I'm going to have to fast for a whole week just to cleanse my system.

I pray: God, I'm in desperate need of peace in this space of waiting. My heart and mind are conflicting forces and I long to be still. Jesus, I bless your name and praise you for your presence surrounding me and my family over these last several days. Amen.

An (edited) Email to a Friend 10/12

So I know this will sound crazy and dishonest but I'm good. Truly. I feel fine. I had a day where I asked God a lot of questions and expressed my anger/frustration/doubt but also asked God to change my heart and allow me to receive His grace - and He did!

I went to the Todd Agnew concert at the Englert last night expecting to be grieving and to be ministered to. Ha! That wasn't what happened at all!! I felt amazing the whole time. God filled my heart with joy! And He even gave me a way to honor my loss for years to come. We sponsored a little girl from Zimbabwe named Nomsa and are so excited to be able to love and bless her and her family even though she's half a world away.

I thank you for your love and prayers. Perhaps I will grieve more when I start to bleed but that hasn't happened yet. In the mean time we are surrounded in God's beautiful grace and know that everything is OK. We're grateful for the blessings we do have and are so amazed by all those who are surrounding us in this.

I want to thank you... for this: "Be still and know I am God" I've fallen on it over and over again through this and am so blessed by these words and their profound meaning.

Ugh! Not AGAIN!

So I had my ultrasound yesterday. It was supposed to be really awesome. I was supposed to see a sac and a little tiny heartbeat. Instead, there was nothing in the uterus. There was, however, a small "thickening" on the right side - suspect of an ectopic pregnancy.

It feels so unfair. I can't help but question God, "What are You doing here? Why didn't You protect me? Your power goes far beyond my physical limitations yet You chose not answer my prayers. You chose not to save this baby! Why do I have to go through this AGAIN?"

In the end it seems completely pointless to even ask these questions. I feel completely forsaken and abandoned by the God I love. I thought I made a deal with him, a little pact that said if I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy I'd rather not get pregnant at all. That's pointless too. Making deals, making imaginary pacts. God's plan is what it is. And if a single person tells me that this was not God's plan for me I will certainly go mad!

I was told to go to the ER to be reevaluated. I assumed that this meant I would have a chance at another ultrasound, that they would check again just to make sure. Rachelle prayed for me before I left and I was believing Jesus for a miracle. We've seen them before. But the doctor refused to let me have another ultrasound. She insisted that the one I had was good enough and proved that this pregnancy was not healthy and that we had no choice but to use methotrexate to treat (or rather terminate) the tubal pregnancy. She insisted that my insurance wouldn't pay for another ultrasound. How absurd. I was pissed!

If there was any room for a miracle yesterday, it wasn't the room I was in. The only thing that eased my decision was the results of my hcg test at the hospital. It was just over 4300. If the pregnancy was indeed progressing normally it would have been over 6000 by then. Those stupid numbers that so often mean very little meant a lot to me over the last week, especially last night.

So now, in my grief and confusion, I wait uncomfortably at home for my miscarriage to begin. My boobs hurt, my crotch itches, I have a headache and I'm nauseous. The only good news I've gotten today is that my short term disability at work will pay me 100% while I'm out and my doctor's office will support my discretion regarding how long I stay out of work. That's a relief, knowing that I won't be forced to jump back into my life as though nothing happened before I'm really ready.

Now I'm off to wait. I pray, "Oh God, I'm so desperate for your comfort but my calloused heart is just that. It's calloused. I need You to change me, make me soft. Help me know Your grace and Your love again. Help me to experience this for what it is, not for what it is not. Help me to understand, or at least accept that this is my burden and Jesus will carry it for me when it feels too heavy to carry on my own. Amen"

Up to 4067

I went for more blood work yesterday and the results were wonderful! If the numbers doubled every 48 hours I would expect 3788 so 4067 is just perfect. I'm so grateful that the number is a little higher than "minimum" rather than lower. What a relief!!

I have an ultrasound scheduled for today at 1:00. I'm praying that the sac will be in the perfect location and that we will be able to see a perfect little heartbeat. I'm so excited and anxious and and and...

From 200 to 947 in less than 72 hours!

I've been feeling a little bit careful about posting so far. Given my history and underlying fear I couldn't bring myself to write until now.

I have actually not been very disciplined with the cheap pregnancy tests I bought from eBay (25 for $8.50 including shipping) and started testing last Tuesday. The first two mornings were pretty disappointing. It seemed like there might be something there but it was so faint I couldn't trust it. By Friday I really thought I was seeing a second line but didn't know if I was just crazy and so hopeful that my mind was making it up. I cried in a moment of joy and then fear set in almost immediately. Maybe this is a false positive. I'll have to test again tomorrow. Saturday morning came and I pulled out my more expensive First Response test that I had been saving. This time, there was definitely a second line. My initial response was not one of joy, but one of confusion and deep rooted fear. The devastating kind of fear. I found myself praying in desperation every free mental moment, "Oh please God let this one be viable, oh please God let this one join our family". It was excruciating.

Finally Saturday night came and thank God we had a dinner to attend with many dear friends. I'm sure my agony was written all over my face but most probably passed it off as anxiety as my return to work was quickly approaching. I was intensely on edge so when Jason inquired I completely lost it. Dear Rachelle saved the day. She took me aside and told me a wonderful story of faith which I will share later. Immediate my spirit was lifted.

Sunday required a little more prayer from Adey and she gave me this prayer that I cling to when I start to slide backward, "Be still, and know that I am God". What a beautiful gift it has been to come back to that prayer and just trust God and what He's doing here.

So Monday I went for my first round of blood work. My hcg was 200 and I later found out that my progesterone is 17.5 - I don't really know what the healthy range is but apparently 17.5 is good. I'm using natural progesterone cream derived from plants as a daily supplement so I'm sure that is helping.

The general rule of thumb with hcg levels is that they are expected to double every 48-72 hours. Given that, I was expecting my repeat test on Thursday to come back with a number around 600. I was pleasantly surprised by the result I got: 947. That's a pretty big jump. What does that mean? Twins? Hmmm....

Another Couple of Cycles

My FDLP was 8/31 and the one before that was 8/3. The good news is that my cycle is really regular at 28 days but the bad news is that I'm still not pregnant. Getting my period a few months ago felt like a new beginning. Getting my period last Friday night felt like utter heart-break and disappointment. The worst part is that I was having all these pregnancy symptoms like sore breasts and nausea so when I got my period it was a real slap in the face. But if I had to choose between my period and another miscarriage, I'll take my period every time!

On Sunday I had an amazing prayer time with Adey at church. I love how she prays with such authority and faith, like she just knows Jesus is listening and he will answer our prayers. I admire the confidence she exudes when she prays. I want to pray like that!

So now on to another month and another cycle. The annual women's retreat that we've been working so hard to prepare for is in just one week (immediately following ovulation!) so I'm really looking forward to that. It's so good to spend a couple of days with women who are on this journey together, walking with Christ and having our lives changed because of what he does in our hearts. It's so beautiful, I just love it! What a blessing.

My prayer for today is this: Oh God, I'm desperate for your peace. I'm full of anxiety and impatience. Lord I lift these burdens up to you, will you carry them for me? I give them to you and ask in their place for rest, patience and trust. Trust that your plan is far better than mine, and your timing is far better than mine. The psalms say "Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the skies" and I believe it. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

FDLP

So Saturday, July 7th is what I like to call my FDLP (first day of last period). I was pretty irritated and yes, even a little pissed when my monthly visitor arrived. I guess from a medical perspective it's probably best that I'm having a full cycle before getting pregnant again but from my perspective it just sucks.

I find myself falling from grace lately. I'm going through a schedule change and now that I'm laid off from work for the next three months things feel very different. Cam and I are having to learn how to be a couple again. We forget to respect each other and it's too easy to bite each others heads off when we get frustrated because we're just not used to having to deal with each other. It's always one on one with Adi and we don't have to respond to how our partner feels about parenting choices when we're apart.

It's not until we are together that we realize how different our parenting styles really are. That, of course, is also difficult for Adi. When we're together she has to test us to find out what the rules are going to be now since she's not used to interacting like a family either. I didn't anticipate the extent of confusion our shift schedules would cause for all of us.

Though the road feels bumpy now, I know it will smooth out soon. And I feel so blessed to have the next three months to spend together as a family, and hopefully grow our family as well. Cam and I are in the process of figuring out what tools we do and don't want to use to help us conceive. I wanted ovulation tests but Cam didn't want to spend the money on them. I think the underlying reason isn't so much the money but the pressure that he feels when the time comes and the technology of knowing more exactly when that is seems to take the joy out of making love and making a baby.

All of the communication Cam and I are having now is wonderful, even in the heated conversations where we don't seem to understand each other so well. This is the stuff that makes us stronger as a couple and family. I pray for God's blessings in this journey. And as always, I pray that when the time comes that Jesus will guide our little one(s) to a safe place in my uterus where healthy development can take place.