Scheduled Appointment

I called my doctor this morning with confidence and a little bit of excitement to finally schedule my HSG. The official appointment is next Wedn the 28th at 7:30 a.m.

I have to admit that hearing a testimony again yesterday that I had heard once before at the women's retreat really had me thinking and second guessing myself. The part that kept playing over in my head was that my friend was writhing beneath the technician's hand as the test was performed, and how violating the experience was for her.

I had to stop and question, once again, whether doing this test was actually an act of loss of faith. That idea felt devastating to me and I just didn't know what the answer was. After Cam and I talked more about it, we agreed that going forward with the test was the right thing for us to do. Though my faith has been a bit shaky as of late, I don't consider my faith to be placed in the medical community rather than Jesus. If anything, I'm more dependent now on Jesus than ever before.

For me, I believe that moving forward with the test is accepting an option that has been laid before me, technological or not (wasn't it God who blessed the individuals with the insight to develop the technology in the first place? That's a whole other question - sheesh). At this point we're opting for a diagnostic test to tell us why we've been pregnant five times but only have one child. To be honest, I don't know exactly what we'll choose to actually "do about it" once we know what the problem is. That's the next step, the next level. And I trust Jesus to help us through that as well.

When I look back at my life and remember some the times I've writhed through something, I can see that something good came from the most memorable (and painful) experiences. I writhed under the hand of the ultrasound technician as we saw the first images of our little Adi in my womb because my bladder was so full I thought it might explode. But we saw a healthy baby in there and that made it worth it. I writhed in my bed for 4 or 5 nights struggling through contractions before I gave birth to my daughter. The writhing was worth it.

Having an HSG and writhing once again beneath a technician's hand will be well worth the possibility of preventing another miscarriage. My heart and mind just won't let me continue running into the same brick wall again. I can't just keep doing what I've been doing the same way and expect different results. I am comfortable and confident in my decision knowing full well what to expect but it will be far far better than enduring the loss of another child.