So I had my ultrasound yesterday. It was supposed to be really awesome. I was supposed to see a sac and a little tiny heartbeat. Instead, there was nothing in the uterus. There was, however, a small "thickening" on the right side - suspect of an ectopic pregnancy.
It feels so unfair. I can't help but question God, "What are You doing here? Why didn't You protect me? Your power goes far beyond my physical limitations yet You chose not answer my prayers. You chose not to save this baby! Why do I have to go through this AGAIN?"
In the end it seems completely pointless to even ask these questions. I feel completely forsaken and abandoned by the God I love. I thought I made a deal with him, a little pact that said if I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy I'd rather not get pregnant at all. That's pointless too. Making deals, making imaginary pacts. God's plan is what it is. And if a single person tells me that this was not God's plan for me I will certainly go mad!
I was told to go to the ER to be reevaluated. I assumed that this meant I would have a chance at another ultrasound, that they would check again just to make sure. Rachelle prayed for me before I left and I was believing Jesus for a miracle. We've seen them before. But the doctor refused to let me have another ultrasound. She insisted that the one I had was good enough and proved that this pregnancy was not healthy and that we had no choice but to use methotrexate to treat (or rather terminate) the tubal pregnancy. She insisted that my insurance wouldn't pay for another ultrasound. How absurd. I was pissed!
If there was any room for a miracle yesterday, it wasn't the room I was in. The only thing that eased my decision was the results of my hcg test at the hospital. It was just over 4300. If the pregnancy was indeed progressing normally it would have been over 6000 by then. Those stupid numbers that so often mean very little meant a lot to me over the last week, especially last night.
So now, in my grief and confusion, I wait uncomfortably at home for my miscarriage to begin. My boobs hurt, my crotch itches, I have a headache and I'm nauseous. The only good news I've gotten today is that my short term disability at work will pay me 100% while I'm out and my doctor's office will support my discretion regarding how long I stay out of work. That's a relief, knowing that I won't be forced to jump back into my life as though nothing happened before I'm really ready.
Now I'm off to wait. I pray, "Oh God, I'm so desperate for your comfort but my calloused heart is just that. It's calloused. I need You to change me, make me soft. Help me know Your grace and Your love again. Help me to experience this for what it is, not for what it is not. Help me to understand, or at least accept that this is my burden and Jesus will carry it for me when it feels too heavy to carry on my own. Amen"
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