To Be Hurt Deeply

"I have tried and I cannot find either in scripture or history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply."-Charles Swindoll

I found that quote on some one's myspace page and it made me wonder why that's true? Will God use me in this, through this or because of this? I don't know the answer to those questions but I do know that I'm hurting deeply. It really hit me today when I saw a support group website online today that was called "I Never Got to Hold You". When I realized the caliber of that statement and what it meant to me I was ruined for the day.

Yesterday I passed a long tubular shaped thing that looked like a stretched out version of a gestational sac and its contents. It was weird to see that. My past ectopic was different in that I passed small bits and pieces but nothing intact. I think that experience solidified what is really going on and I knew that I really did just lose my baby.

So the past couple of days have been really emotional. The timing seems odd since I started this whole process over 2 weeks ago and I'm just now beginning the grieving process but I'm grateful to be here; finally grieving.

I called my doc today to ask about an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) - the dye test that I refused last time around. When in comes right down to it I just don't think I can handle another miscarriage. At least not without knowing I did everything I possibly could to avoid it. I'm swallowing my stubborn pride and submitting to medical tests that truly could make a big big impact on my life at this point.

I spoke with the nurse about the procedure and I learned that I won't have to go to a specialist for this particular test. She spent so much time explaining everything to me and making sure all my questions were answered before we ended the conversation. It was nice to have someone take that time out and speak so thoroughly to me given my hesitations. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. The thought of going to a different doctor at this point broke my heart and when I got off the phone I cried. I've been doing a lot of that over the past couple of days.

At this point I'm just waiting to hear back about whether the doctor wants to go ahead and do the test on Monday (day 10 of this "cycle" if the doctor considers this my first cycle) or wait until I have my first official cycle. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. That means a lot to me so I think I'm going to stay put for now. I reserve my right to change my mind at any given moment, however ;)

I pray, "Oh God, forgive me for cursing your ways over the past couple of days as I've dealt with some tough emotions. It's so challenging that my nature is to fight you, but of course you always win. I'm learning lessons in trust, patience, and surrender. Not easy lessons for a fighter like me. Thank you for your patience with me. Please keep my heart soft, open my ears so I can hear you when you speak to me. Bless me with strength to obey and hold me when I am weak and can't do much more than cry and beg for peace. Amen.