I received news today that my hcg dropped to 6500 - the doc was hoping for more like 4500 so I got shot #2 in the ER tonight. I wasn't really prepared for whatever reason... I just didn't think that I would need a second dose. I feel so dirty and violated by this medication. I have a whole new heart and perspective for people out there who receive this type of chemo therapy drug for cancer, arthritis, or whatever other ailments they may have.
Methotrexate is saving my fallopian tubes but at no small cost. I expect my symptoms the second time around to be twice as bad or last twice as long or something. I have no idea if that's true, it just makes sense to me. One of the few things that makes sense right now. But life doesn't really need to make sense. Maybe I've just wasted so much time throughout my life trying to make sense of everything. Hmmmm.
What if I just trusted God? What if I just put my faith in Jesus and didn't spend so much energy on this world and it's stuff? Would that make me a better person? A better Christian? What if I stopped thinking and started doing? That's a scary thought. I don't know if I can handle that.
1 comment:
Sheesh, girl. I ask myself those questions all the time. I always come back to Jesus having made me a thinker and a ponderer and that even though I make myself crazy sometimes, I am necessary to have around!
I love you the way you are. But if you balance yourself and become more of a "doer", I will try to follow you. I promise. (Hope that wasn't too much of a contradiction. Just complicated, right?)
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