Yesterday was the big day. I had no idea what to expect going in to the appointment, I assumed the doctor would look at my films, ask a few questions, give his recommendations and then send me on my merry way. Of course that's not really how it went.
Cam and Adi came along, what great sports they were! The first hour was spent waiting, giving info to the nurse, waiting some more. Finally we met the doctor, a young woman (unfortunately didn't catch her name) who took more information, asked more questions and finally looked at my films. All of this was in intervals as she left the room to ask a question or check on something. I felt a little discouraged because I knew she was a new doctor but she was really sweet and thorough so who am I to complain?
After looking at my films an ultrasound was ordered, which I did not expect at all. It was quick and easy and really not a big deal. It was nice to have confirmation that my uterus is really quite nice - the tech cheered "yay! look how pretty it is!" my response was, "you know you've come to a weird place in life when you look at your uterus and describe it as pretty". Honestly I think the ultrasound was the most entertaining part of my visit. Strange but true.
So after the ultrasound, we waited some more. I can't believe Adi did so well. She was amazing, and Cam was too. Finally, about 4 hours after we arrived the doctor came back into the room toting Dr. Syrop. HURRRRAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! I was so relieved to know that the final recommendation was to be given by a seasoned expert. I'm so sorry sweet young doctor lady - I'm sure if she was in my position she would understand.
Dr. Syrop's recommendation was nothing. Ha ha. Can you believe it? I was a bit confused, but that was what I got. He saw no value in surgery. We are getting pregnant, just not staying that way. And while we could do surgery, there is no guarantee that we won't miscarry again. Ultimately, we have a slightly elevated chance of miscarriage than the lady next door, but statistically speaking we have a better chance of having a viable pregnancy than a failed one. I thought that was really interesting.
The plan is that if we encounter another ectopic pregnancy, we will do laprascopic surgery to remove it rather than using methotrexate. That way we will be able to get a better picture of what is going on in there with dual purpose. I liked that alternative, at this point I would prefer to have surgery than recieve another dose of methotrexate. That stuff is just aweful. As a matter of fact, Dr. Syrop recommended that we wait at least until January to try getting pregnant again because the methotrexate hangs out in the fatty tissues for quite a while and we don't want to risk birth defects because of it!
I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about everything. In many ways I wish the radiologist had kept his mouth shut. Harsh, I know. I would have been (and was) happy to accept Dr. Adam's recommendation to do nothing further and just go with it. I feel in some ways like yesterday was a very costly day for me.
I had an initial freak out of, "oh crap, what if something really serious is wrong with me - is that why I have to go see a specialist?" My faith and values have taken a beating over the past two weeks (more really) as Cam and I have disagreed at length about what to do - he wanted to do nothing and I wanted to do whatever the doctor said we should do. I had to take unpaid time off from work during the most expensive month of the year. My family had to spend four hours in a hospital clinic patiently waiting with me. All of this to confirm that we should do nothing.
I am grateful for the confirmation. I am. I just feel a bit like I've been dragged through the mud for a while. A long while. I just want to take a shower and wash myself clean. Shouldn't that be an easy thing to do? It's a lot harder than it sounds.
So that was my big day. The doctor confirmed for us that we should do nothing more or less than keep our faith in God and trust that His will is what's best for us and we aren't in control here. I'm being deeply challenged. I wish I could say that my faith has stayed solid through all of this, but it's just not true. I've been tested and there have been many moments in which I've failed miserably. But I haven't given up. I'm still hangin on, it might be just by a thread some days, but I'm still hangin on.
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