Last night was pretty rough. Since Saturday night I had been feeling small twinges in my lower abdomen - mostly on the left side. I thought that was strange considering the ectopic is supposedly located on the right side. Then after church yesterday I realized that the twinges were more on the right now and they were annoying me.
I decided to call the doctor on-call just to verify that what I was experiencing was OK and nothing to be concerned about. She informed me that what I was feeling was most likely the tissue dying and was normal. I interpreted that as "Oh, so what you're feeling now is your baby finally giving up and dying..." It was not only horrifying but devastating as well.
As if it's not bad enough to just know that there is an impending miscarriage, now I have to also experience the sensations of my baby dying inside me. That's intense! I guess on the slightly brighter side I now have an indication that the methotrexate is finally working and I hopefully won't need another dose.
So the waiting continues until tomorrow when I get more blood work done. I pray: Oh Jesus, I need your comfort. Please bless me with patience as I wait. I need your presence through every stage of this miscarriage no matter how long it takes! It feels like so long. Please keep my heart soft and help me face the fire. I don't want to turn away. I want to stay right here. Please stay near Lord. Amen.
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