I know that methotrexate can take a while to work but the results of my hcg test yesterday were so frustrating! On Tuesday at 5:00 pm my levels were around 4300. So approximately 66 hours later my levels nearly doubled (remember that normal rate of increase is doubling every 48-72 hours).
A shadow of hope for a miracle fell over me - maybe Jesus moved my little one to a safe place in my uterus and it was growing steadily there. The worst part about miscarriage is the roller coaster ride. Ultimately I feel like holding on to a hope that a miracle has taken place is silly and for my own sanity I need to accept this lost pregnancy for just that - even though it's not lost yet and is actually continuing to develop at what could be considered a healthy rate. The whole thing is mind bending.
So I go back on Tuesday for more blood work. I may have to get another shot. I do have to say that if my hcg continues to increase I will demand an ultrasound before allowing them to give me another injection of methotrexate. Oh man, that stuff is just nasty. I can only imagine what it is doing to my body. I feel like I'm going to have to fast for a whole week just to cleanse my system.
I pray: God, I'm in desperate need of peace in this space of waiting. My heart and mind are conflicting forces and I long to be still. Jesus, I bless your name and praise you for your presence surrounding me and my family over these last several days. Amen.
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