Prelude to 21 Days

I'm back to work today and though I thought I would be busy, I have a lot of free time today. I'm really grateful for that because I'm able to spend this free time preparing for my 21 days of faith experiment.

I've been thinking over the past several days what it is that I want to ask of Jesus to do for me over the next several weeks in this experiment. It feels like there are so many areas of brokenness and need in my life right now. I'm searching for clarity, peace, and healing but there's something more. Something deeper still that goes into the core of who I am and is emanated all the way to the surface of who I am.

I've noticed over the years that there seems to be a connection physically with each one of my miscarriages, and that connection is a 10 pound weight gain accompanying each loss. I realized that what I'm doing is "self-medicating". Instead of falling on my face before Jesus and asking Him for help and comfort I feed my face and deal alone.

Let me just say that this isn't working! Not only do I feel bad about myself physically but I physically feel bad. I'm completely out of shape and this body that God has blessed me with has been used and abused by laziness and junk food frenzies every time life gets tough. This is really interesting since I'm such an advocate of organic food, vegetarianism, and naturopathic lifestyles. I clearly do not practice what I believe in when things get rough and that in turn makes me feel bad about myself as a person! This is a vicious cycle and it has to end!!

So all the times I've tried to change this and failed - I'm putting them behind me. I'm asking Jesus over the next 21 days to help me change my diet and exercise habits permanently --- into a healthy lifestyle rich in healthy choices every day. And in the difficult moments of life I will reach for Jesus instead of eating eating eating.

Even further, I will commit at least 30 minutes every evening (no matter how late Adi goes to bed and how tired I am) to exercise in some form. I want to dedicate this 30 minutes not only to my health and physical well-being, but to make it a time of prayer and meditation. That I can spend this time with God and talk with Him, listen to Him, engage in His presence.

Part of the faith experiment is to fast from something as well. When I think of fasting, I immediately think of food. Probably because it's the thing in my life that feels most costly to give up since I lean on it so much. I know there are other types of fasts and if I were pregnant or nursing I would certainly choose an alternative. But for me, the greatest results can only come from fasting from food.

I like the idea of eating raw food exclusively. I've tried to do 30 days raw in the past for cleansing purposes but failed after only 10 days. For the sake of this experiment, I'm choosing to fast from cooked food for 21 days. Because I have a real sense of the power of a juice fast, I want to try to do at least a 3 day fresh raw juice fast in the midst of those 21 days. I trust God to tell me when the time is right for that.

Just a quick note on the difference between fresh raw juice and canned or bottled juices. I truly believe that especially when fasting it's detrimental to have the living enzymes and dense nutrients remain intact in the juice. That instant nutrition has made my past fasts feel invigorating and blissful compared to difficult and even painful when bottled juice was used. On my fresh juice fasts I actually had tons of energy and felt fresh and free, and my mind was clear. My ability to hear God in that state was phenomenal because I physically felt well and wasn't spending my time suffering through the fast. Instead it was joyful and exciting and all together wonderful. Just writing about it makes me long for that experience with God again.

21 Days of Faith

I feel like in many ways the order to wait is a hint to embark on a new journey. A friend pointed out a faith experiment that the Boston area Vineyards are doing. I've been a big fan of Dave Schmeltzer, the Senior Pastor, for a couple of years now. So they recently started a faith experiment called 21 Days of Faith (it's usually 40 days but they condensed it to 21 days).

Here's a link to more info on that:
http://www.bostonvineyard.org/classesprograms/40-days-of-faith/
I feel ready to give it a try. I think I could use a lot more faith in this season and I would love to see how God might use this 21 day period in my life.

If you are interested in listening to Dave's sermons, here's a link: http://vcfcaudio.bostonvineyard.org/podcast/vcfgb-podcast.html
I highly recommend checking it out if you have time.

So I guess since I won't have any news on the fertility front for a while I'll blog about my 21 Days of Faith in the mean time. I need to do a bit more research and set my intention for my personal experiment but I'm compelled to start very soon.

Wait and Wait Some More

The doctor wants to wait until my hcg gets down to zero and my first official cycle before doing the HSG. I'm a little bummed, just because part of me just wants to move forward. Truly, though, it's probably best that I have to wait so I have more time and space to properly grieve the loss of this baby. It's so easy for me to forge onward, but when it comes to being in the moment and really experiencing life as it is I'm out of my box. I need to work on that.

So now I wait some more. Here's the patience lesson. God has waited on me all of these years to accept His son and know Him and His word. He's been so patient with me yet here I am still expecting what I want when I want it! So now I choose to wait on God. He's faithfully waited on me and I want to faithfully wait on Him. I know it's my turn to wait, so I pray:

"God, grant me the patience to wait on your plan. To experience this loss for what it is and to really feel it. To know the agony of losing a precious life, a precious child. And as I wait, I pray for Your great wisdom. I pray that I will experience Your truest grace and really know You."

To Be Hurt Deeply

"I have tried and I cannot find either in scripture or history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply."-Charles Swindoll

I found that quote on some one's myspace page and it made me wonder why that's true? Will God use me in this, through this or because of this? I don't know the answer to those questions but I do know that I'm hurting deeply. It really hit me today when I saw a support group website online today that was called "I Never Got to Hold You". When I realized the caliber of that statement and what it meant to me I was ruined for the day.

Yesterday I passed a long tubular shaped thing that looked like a stretched out version of a gestational sac and its contents. It was weird to see that. My past ectopic was different in that I passed small bits and pieces but nothing intact. I think that experience solidified what is really going on and I knew that I really did just lose my baby.

So the past couple of days have been really emotional. The timing seems odd since I started this whole process over 2 weeks ago and I'm just now beginning the grieving process but I'm grateful to be here; finally grieving.

I called my doc today to ask about an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) - the dye test that I refused last time around. When in comes right down to it I just don't think I can handle another miscarriage. At least not without knowing I did everything I possibly could to avoid it. I'm swallowing my stubborn pride and submitting to medical tests that truly could make a big big impact on my life at this point.

I spoke with the nurse about the procedure and I learned that I won't have to go to a specialist for this particular test. She spent so much time explaining everything to me and making sure all my questions were answered before we ended the conversation. It was nice to have someone take that time out and speak so thoroughly to me given my hesitations. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. The thought of going to a different doctor at this point broke my heart and when I got off the phone I cried. I've been doing a lot of that over the past couple of days.

At this point I'm just waiting to hear back about whether the doctor wants to go ahead and do the test on Monday (day 10 of this "cycle" if the doctor considers this my first cycle) or wait until I have my first official cycle. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. That means a lot to me so I think I'm going to stay put for now. I reserve my right to change my mind at any given moment, however ;)

I pray, "Oh God, forgive me for cursing your ways over the past couple of days as I've dealt with some tough emotions. It's so challenging that my nature is to fight you, but of course you always win. I'm learning lessons in trust, patience, and surrender. Not easy lessons for a fighter like me. Thank you for your patience with me. Please keep my heart soft, open my ears so I can hear you when you speak to me. Bless me with strength to obey and hold me when I am weak and can't do much more than cry and beg for peace. Amen.

Thank God for Clary Sage

Thank God I'm finally bleeding. And heavy cramps are the proper accompaniment. I realize that I in many ways I associate the physical pain of the bleeding process with the emotional pain of loss. I'm not so sure what that says other than that I've been through this a few times and that's what I expect and need to process. Moving onward...

Something to Ponder

When I was checking out my Aromatherapy Bible the other day to see what essential oils might help me heal more quickly I found a list of oils that should be avoided in the first 3 months of pregnancy. Among them was lavender oil. I was shocked! My skin care product's main ingredient is lavender oil. I use lavender oil in my massage room when doing shiatsu sessions for relaxation purposes. My liquid hand soap has lavender oil in it. Lavender oil is a part of my every day life!

I wanted to find a natural product at the Co-op that didn't contain lavender oil (or chamomile for the same reason) just in case my products had any part in my last miscarriage. I couldn't find one. It was crazy! And none of them had warnings for pregnant women. I'm sure most women don't have problems but isn't it interesting that my book warned against these oils but no product that contains them does...

Any Recommendations?

Cam and I are thinking about our options for the future. We refused tests of all kinds in the past but are now feeling like we might be interested in having some tests done. I just don't think I can keep doing this. If there is something simple that could be done to prevent future miscarriages I feel like I need to head in that direction. I want to go into that feeling well informed and hearing stories from as many other women as possible. So if you have a story you can share with me I would appreciate it sooooo much!

Also, I'd like to know what doctors come highly recommended. I often feel like OB/GYN is just a crazy place and I like my doc but there are others in the practice that I just don't jive with. I also would love to hear about specialists and I'm curious about the University as I've only been at Mercy thus far.

I can't wait to hear everyone's input. It means a lot to me.

Where I Am and Where I Am Not

After a week long battle with a killer yeast infection I finally gave in and called the doc. I got the prescription pill diflucan to take care of it. I thought I could handle it on my own using homeopathic treatments but the methotrexate wiped out all the good bacteria in my gut and things just weren't working out. Anyone who has had a yeast infection knows how consistently painful it can be. The diflucan is working, though it did make me nauseous. Small price to pay for relief.

I started spotting a little bit yesterday (my 31st birthday - Happy Birthday to me ;) but I'm not bleeding. I need to bleed. I so want this to be over and I don't feel like I can have that closure without the cleansing process. Last time around (ectopic) I happened to have an aromatherapy class and learned that clary sage encourages menstruation so I put some in my bath salts and bled the next day. I'm going to try that again for the sake of my process. I don't even feel like I've lost anything. I must be in some sort of denial. I don't get it. I think I'm confused somehow, maybe just because the whole thing has taken so long? I don't know. I want to mourn but it doesn't seem appropriate yet. Weird.

Shot #2

I received news today that my hcg dropped to 6500 - the doc was hoping for more like 4500 so I got shot #2 in the ER tonight. I wasn't really prepared for whatever reason... I just didn't think that I would need a second dose. I feel so dirty and violated by this medication. I have a whole new heart and perspective for people out there who receive this type of chemo therapy drug for cancer, arthritis, or whatever other ailments they may have.

Methotrexate is saving my fallopian tubes but at no small cost. I expect my symptoms the second time around to be twice as bad or last twice as long or something. I have no idea if that's true, it just makes sense to me. One of the few things that makes sense right now. But life doesn't really need to make sense. Maybe I've just wasted so much time throughout my life trying to make sense of everything. Hmmmm.

What if I just trusted God? What if I just put my faith in Jesus and didn't spend so much energy on this world and it's stuff? Would that make me a better person? A better Christian? What if I stopped thinking and started doing? That's a scary thought. I don't know if I can handle that.

Twinges

Last night was pretty rough. Since Saturday night I had been feeling small twinges in my lower abdomen - mostly on the left side. I thought that was strange considering the ectopic is supposedly located on the right side. Then after church yesterday I realized that the twinges were more on the right now and they were annoying me.

I decided to call the doctor on-call just to verify that what I was experiencing was OK and nothing to be concerned about. She informed me that what I was feeling was most likely the tissue dying and was normal. I interpreted that as "Oh, so what you're feeling now is your baby finally giving up and dying..." It was not only horrifying but devastating as well.

As if it's not bad enough to just know that there is an impending miscarriage, now I have to also experience the sensations of my baby dying inside me. That's intense! I guess on the slightly brighter side I now have an indication that the methotrexate is finally working and I hopefully won't need another dose.

So the waiting continues until tomorrow when I get more blood work done. I pray: Oh Jesus, I need your comfort. Please bless me with patience as I wait. I need your presence through every stage of this miscarriage no matter how long it takes! It feels like so long. Please keep my heart soft and help me face the fire. I don't want to turn away. I want to stay right here. Please stay near Lord. Amen.

More About Child Sponsorship

I realized that I mentioned sponsoring a child in Africa in honor of our lost one but I didn't expand on that at all.

World Vision is a Christian relief and development organization dedicated to helping children and their communities worldwide reach their full potential by tackling the causes of poverty.

If you are interested in learning more about child sponsorship you can visit their website: http://www.worldvison.org/. You can even browse the waiting children and choose a child to sponsor or give a one time gift.

I'm so impressed by what World Vision is doing and I can't wait to do more. I know who's getting my birthday money this year!



"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Matthew 25:40

Hcg Over 7800

I know that methotrexate can take a while to work but the results of my hcg test yesterday were so frustrating! On Tuesday at 5:00 pm my levels were around 4300. So approximately 66 hours later my levels nearly doubled (remember that normal rate of increase is doubling every 48-72 hours).

A shadow of hope for a miracle fell over me - maybe Jesus moved my little one to a safe place in my uterus and it was growing steadily there. The worst part about miscarriage is the roller coaster ride. Ultimately I feel like holding on to a hope that a miracle has taken place is silly and for my own sanity I need to accept this lost pregnancy for just that - even though it's not lost yet and is actually continuing to develop at what could be considered a healthy rate. The whole thing is mind bending.

So I go back on Tuesday for more blood work. I may have to get another shot. I do have to say that if my hcg continues to increase I will demand an ultrasound before allowing them to give me another injection of methotrexate. Oh man, that stuff is just nasty. I can only imagine what it is doing to my body. I feel like I'm going to have to fast for a whole week just to cleanse my system.

I pray: God, I'm in desperate need of peace in this space of waiting. My heart and mind are conflicting forces and I long to be still. Jesus, I bless your name and praise you for your presence surrounding me and my family over these last several days. Amen.

An (edited) Email to a Friend 10/12

So I know this will sound crazy and dishonest but I'm good. Truly. I feel fine. I had a day where I asked God a lot of questions and expressed my anger/frustration/doubt but also asked God to change my heart and allow me to receive His grace - and He did!

I went to the Todd Agnew concert at the Englert last night expecting to be grieving and to be ministered to. Ha! That wasn't what happened at all!! I felt amazing the whole time. God filled my heart with joy! And He even gave me a way to honor my loss for years to come. We sponsored a little girl from Zimbabwe named Nomsa and are so excited to be able to love and bless her and her family even though she's half a world away.

I thank you for your love and prayers. Perhaps I will grieve more when I start to bleed but that hasn't happened yet. In the mean time we are surrounded in God's beautiful grace and know that everything is OK. We're grateful for the blessings we do have and are so amazed by all those who are surrounding us in this.

I want to thank you... for this: "Be still and know I am God" I've fallen on it over and over again through this and am so blessed by these words and their profound meaning.

Ugh! Not AGAIN!

So I had my ultrasound yesterday. It was supposed to be really awesome. I was supposed to see a sac and a little tiny heartbeat. Instead, there was nothing in the uterus. There was, however, a small "thickening" on the right side - suspect of an ectopic pregnancy.

It feels so unfair. I can't help but question God, "What are You doing here? Why didn't You protect me? Your power goes far beyond my physical limitations yet You chose not answer my prayers. You chose not to save this baby! Why do I have to go through this AGAIN?"

In the end it seems completely pointless to even ask these questions. I feel completely forsaken and abandoned by the God I love. I thought I made a deal with him, a little pact that said if I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy I'd rather not get pregnant at all. That's pointless too. Making deals, making imaginary pacts. God's plan is what it is. And if a single person tells me that this was not God's plan for me I will certainly go mad!

I was told to go to the ER to be reevaluated. I assumed that this meant I would have a chance at another ultrasound, that they would check again just to make sure. Rachelle prayed for me before I left and I was believing Jesus for a miracle. We've seen them before. But the doctor refused to let me have another ultrasound. She insisted that the one I had was good enough and proved that this pregnancy was not healthy and that we had no choice but to use methotrexate to treat (or rather terminate) the tubal pregnancy. She insisted that my insurance wouldn't pay for another ultrasound. How absurd. I was pissed!

If there was any room for a miracle yesterday, it wasn't the room I was in. The only thing that eased my decision was the results of my hcg test at the hospital. It was just over 4300. If the pregnancy was indeed progressing normally it would have been over 6000 by then. Those stupid numbers that so often mean very little meant a lot to me over the last week, especially last night.

So now, in my grief and confusion, I wait uncomfortably at home for my miscarriage to begin. My boobs hurt, my crotch itches, I have a headache and I'm nauseous. The only good news I've gotten today is that my short term disability at work will pay me 100% while I'm out and my doctor's office will support my discretion regarding how long I stay out of work. That's a relief, knowing that I won't be forced to jump back into my life as though nothing happened before I'm really ready.

Now I'm off to wait. I pray, "Oh God, I'm so desperate for your comfort but my calloused heart is just that. It's calloused. I need You to change me, make me soft. Help me know Your grace and Your love again. Help me to experience this for what it is, not for what it is not. Help me to understand, or at least accept that this is my burden and Jesus will carry it for me when it feels too heavy to carry on my own. Amen"

Up to 4067

I went for more blood work yesterday and the results were wonderful! If the numbers doubled every 48 hours I would expect 3788 so 4067 is just perfect. I'm so grateful that the number is a little higher than "minimum" rather than lower. What a relief!!

I have an ultrasound scheduled for today at 1:00. I'm praying that the sac will be in the perfect location and that we will be able to see a perfect little heartbeat. I'm so excited and anxious and and and...

From 200 to 947 in less than 72 hours!

I've been feeling a little bit careful about posting so far. Given my history and underlying fear I couldn't bring myself to write until now.

I have actually not been very disciplined with the cheap pregnancy tests I bought from eBay (25 for $8.50 including shipping) and started testing last Tuesday. The first two mornings were pretty disappointing. It seemed like there might be something there but it was so faint I couldn't trust it. By Friday I really thought I was seeing a second line but didn't know if I was just crazy and so hopeful that my mind was making it up. I cried in a moment of joy and then fear set in almost immediately. Maybe this is a false positive. I'll have to test again tomorrow. Saturday morning came and I pulled out my more expensive First Response test that I had been saving. This time, there was definitely a second line. My initial response was not one of joy, but one of confusion and deep rooted fear. The devastating kind of fear. I found myself praying in desperation every free mental moment, "Oh please God let this one be viable, oh please God let this one join our family". It was excruciating.

Finally Saturday night came and thank God we had a dinner to attend with many dear friends. I'm sure my agony was written all over my face but most probably passed it off as anxiety as my return to work was quickly approaching. I was intensely on edge so when Jason inquired I completely lost it. Dear Rachelle saved the day. She took me aside and told me a wonderful story of faith which I will share later. Immediate my spirit was lifted.

Sunday required a little more prayer from Adey and she gave me this prayer that I cling to when I start to slide backward, "Be still, and know that I am God". What a beautiful gift it has been to come back to that prayer and just trust God and what He's doing here.

So Monday I went for my first round of blood work. My hcg was 200 and I later found out that my progesterone is 17.5 - I don't really know what the healthy range is but apparently 17.5 is good. I'm using natural progesterone cream derived from plants as a daily supplement so I'm sure that is helping.

The general rule of thumb with hcg levels is that they are expected to double every 48-72 hours. Given that, I was expecting my repeat test on Thursday to come back with a number around 600. I was pleasantly surprised by the result I got: 947. That's a pretty big jump. What does that mean? Twins? Hmmm....