Welcome New Year!

I feel promise of hope swelling up inside of me in anticipation of a new season, a new year. As I sang in church on Sunday I was feeling so steady, hopeful and even excited for what 2008 has in store.


2007 was a really difficult year. Littered with miscarriages, the grief and pain in many ways overshadowed the rest of the year. I often relate my life in song lyrics, and The Mountain by Third Day says "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God." I've seen a few valley's over the past year and I look forward to an upward climb.

I have a few goals for the new year. Mostly surrounding healing of the body, mind and spirit. There have been so many moments over the past several months in particular that had me throwing my arms up and frantically asking God why I even bother trying anymore. Why do I bother praying, why do I bother seeking when each piece of the puzzle gets more and more difficult to place than the one before it.

I go deeper and deeper into my layers and I'm learning that the surface wounds are the easiest to heal. The stuff that's been covered up and hidden by the next layer - that's the stuff that is particularly difficult to resolve. It's so much easier to leave the layers alone. Why is being a Christian harder than not? Why does God make us work so hard? I trust that one day I will have answers. I get to make a choice here: I choose to seek Jesus.

So as I move into a sort of rebirth, I vow to deal with all of my stuff. In Jesus alone each layer that is revealed will be healed, not just recognized but forever changed. This is the power of doing life in Christ. And I don't want to do it any other way.

I look forward with my head held high. My hopes held even higher and my God in the highest. I praise His name for He created me and though I am stubborn, and often ignorant to His ways He is always with me and always has been. And most of all, He loves me. More than I can fathom.

Jesus' Birthday

We tried so hard to really emphasize Christmas as Jesus' birthday for Adi. Though she's just a 2 1/2 year old, I think our efforts payed off.

Christmas morning the bud on our ancient Christmas cactus given to us by Cam's great-grandmother was in full bloom. For days Adi and I have been watching the bud, gently stroking it and blessing it. When Adi saw it in full bloom she excitedly ran over to it and nestled in to admire it. Then she asked me, "did God make it?" and I replied, "yes, honey, God made it". I've been teaching her a bit about things made by God, and things made by humans. She decided that morning that I was wrong, or more certainly she was testing me as she responded to my affirmation, "No, I made it!" Ha ha. Little doodle :)

When we were finally ready to go downstairs to open presents Adi proclaimed that we were opening presents that God was sharing with us! I just loved having God and Jesus so present in our Christmas celebration. I don't think I had that as a child but it is so heart warming to hear Adi talk about them throughout the day. Now I just have to figure out how to teach her about the Holy Spirit!

After opening gifts, including one from our much down played version of Santa, we baked a birthday cake together as a family for Jesus. Adi loves to help in the kitchen in any way possible so it turned out to be a fun and tricky endeavor as we guarded the butter from tiny hands that like to snag a "taste" the size of a walnut and tried half-heartedly to keep her from eating the cake batter once the raw eggs were added (half-heartedly because I have a most likely false sense of security surrounding our free-range organic eggs...)

Hearing Adi tell family members that we baked a birthday cake for Jesus was a joy for me. They may have thought we were a tad weird or maybe going overboard, but I feel like putting Jesus first on His birthday is the only way for our family to celebrate.

Fine, how are you?

When asked how I am doing my standard response these days is "fine, how are you?" The truth is, I'm not really sure a lot of the time. I'm mostly stressed, a little over scheduled for the holidays and a bit disconnected. Does God ever ask us to step back and take a look around us? I feel like He's asking me to do that. To just stop thinking, planning and analyzing and take a look around. I wonder what He wants me to see.

I've been encountering a strange phenomena several times per week since I had my two doses of methotrexate in October. Lights go out around me. Sometimes as I approach, sometimes as I arrive, but most recently it's usually just after I've already passed by. I might not consider this strange except it's been so very frequent. I joked with Cam after the fourth light in our house burnt out in my presence over the course of only a couple of days that I was radio-active from the drug and I was making all the lights burn out.

It didn't stop at house lights, though. It's been street lights and business sign lights. Whatever. I notice in passing too frequently that lights are going out all around me. I don't know what it means or even if it is significant in any way. God talks to me in weird ways sometimes, maybe this is something I should pay attention to. Then again, maybe I'm only being silly and reading too much into a common occurrence that I just happen to be witnessing more often than normal. At any rate, it has caught my attention...

Massage Boards

Over the past week I've been studying for hours on end to prepare for my national board exam massage therapy and body work (after putting it off for, oh, let's say about six months). I don't think my brain has been expected to absorb that much information in that short of a time period in many many years. I felt pretty rusty, and though I was getting a lot of info to stick, I couldn't be completely sure that it was the right info.

While traveling to the test center I felt like I needed to be prepared for defeat. I was mentally positioning myself to be OK with having to spend an additional $225 to retake my exam after I failed it. In the midst of the mental prep work I was doing, I decided to pray for a miracle instead. Yes, I had studied A LOT over the past week, but quite honestly I didn't do much else to prepare before then. I kept putting it off. I didn't have the energy or focus to even think about taking the test. I felt really emotionally (and physically) overwhelmed by the series of miscarriages and all the events surrounding them and studying for a test was the last thing I wanted to do.

But the powers that be enforce a deadline for a reason, for people like me. The procrastinators. I had to pick a date and it ended up being Saturday, December 22nd. The timing couldn't have been more stressful with the holidays fast approaching and many Christmas obligations to think about as well as the unanticipated HSG and infertility specialist visit. My plate has been full, but instead of a full plate of gourmet delights it's felt like eating frozen t.v. dinners that were cooked in a microwave. (The microwave part is only funny if you know about our nearly psychotic aversion to microwaves and the fact that I'd rather not eat than eat something that I know was nuked. We don't even own a microwave anymore - we sold it at a church garage sale a couple of years ago :)

So back to the test. I sat down in my little cubby hole with a PC set up for the exam. My test was multiple choice (thank God, seriously!) but many other people taking other types of exams obviously had to type essays. I tried the soundproof headphones they provided but then I could hear my own heart beating in my head and I thought I would go insane so I had to remove them and accept the clickety clicking on either side of me as part of the experience.

I would venture to say that I positively knew one out of every five questions. It didn't take me long to start reinforcing my earlier thoughts of mental preparedness for failure. I was taking note as to what I should study for next time and even considering which study guides I should purchase for the next time around.

Again, I prayed for a miracle and asked Jesus to just highlight the correct answers for me even if I had not a glimpse of a clue (this was the majority of the test for me). I remember feeling like I just spent the whole prior week studying all the wrong stuff, or at least just not going deep enough. I think the only thing that saved me (aside from Jesus of course) was the fact that I had a pretty decent understanding of Traditional Chinese Medicine and there were several questions about TCM on the exam.

After I finally completed the test the system made me take a survey and then that was it! I knew others had told me that they were told right away if they passed or failed - but they all passed. I must have failed if the computer wasn't telling me. I prayed again for a miracle. As I was leaving one of the attendants (who I have to just say didn't seem to have a clue what he was doing) told me to just sign out and my results would be mailed to me.

I knew I had failed for sure. I had to have failed. Just as I was leaving the other attendant came back in from break and asked if I had gotten my printout. I obviously hadn't so she got it for me. It was a letter. I didn't even really want to read it, I figured it was info about rescheduling. Then I saw the magic word. Congratulations! I was completely shocked, confused, amazed, grateful, crying and more all within only a few seconds. How could this be? I passed! Holy holy - praise God. Miracles do happen. And they really do happen to me.

Thank you Jesus, thank you for hearing me. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for being everything for me.

Photos by Ellie Nelson

Check out Ellie's website:

http://web.mac.com/elliandle/pgp/Welcome.html

Fertility Specialist Appointment

Yesterday was the big day. I had no idea what to expect going in to the appointment, I assumed the doctor would look at my films, ask a few questions, give his recommendations and then send me on my merry way. Of course that's not really how it went.

Cam and Adi came along, what great sports they were! The first hour was spent waiting, giving info to the nurse, waiting some more. Finally we met the doctor, a young woman (unfortunately didn't catch her name) who took more information, asked more questions and finally looked at my films. All of this was in intervals as she left the room to ask a question or check on something. I felt a little discouraged because I knew she was a new doctor but she was really sweet and thorough so who am I to complain?

After looking at my films an ultrasound was ordered, which I did not expect at all. It was quick and easy and really not a big deal. It was nice to have confirmation that my uterus is really quite nice - the tech cheered "yay! look how pretty it is!" my response was, "you know you've come to a weird place in life when you look at your uterus and describe it as pretty". Honestly I think the ultrasound was the most entertaining part of my visit. Strange but true.

So after the ultrasound, we waited some more. I can't believe Adi did so well. She was amazing, and Cam was too. Finally, about 4 hours after we arrived the doctor came back into the room toting Dr. Syrop. HURRRRAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! I was so relieved to know that the final recommendation was to be given by a seasoned expert. I'm so sorry sweet young doctor lady - I'm sure if she was in my position she would understand.

Dr. Syrop's recommendation was nothing. Ha ha. Can you believe it? I was a bit confused, but that was what I got. He saw no value in surgery. We are getting pregnant, just not staying that way. And while we could do surgery, there is no guarantee that we won't miscarry again. Ultimately, we have a slightly elevated chance of miscarriage than the lady next door, but statistically speaking we have a better chance of having a viable pregnancy than a failed one. I thought that was really interesting.

The plan is that if we encounter another ectopic pregnancy, we will do laprascopic surgery to remove it rather than using methotrexate. That way we will be able to get a better picture of what is going on in there with dual purpose. I liked that alternative, at this point I would prefer to have surgery than recieve another dose of methotrexate. That stuff is just aweful. As a matter of fact, Dr. Syrop recommended that we wait at least until January to try getting pregnant again because the methotrexate hangs out in the fatty tissues for quite a while and we don't want to risk birth defects because of it!

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about everything. In many ways I wish the radiologist had kept his mouth shut. Harsh, I know. I would have been (and was) happy to accept Dr. Adam's recommendation to do nothing further and just go with it. I feel in some ways like yesterday was a very costly day for me.

I had an initial freak out of, "oh crap, what if something really serious is wrong with me - is that why I have to go see a specialist?" My faith and values have taken a beating over the past two weeks (more really) as Cam and I have disagreed at length about what to do - he wanted to do nothing and I wanted to do whatever the doctor said we should do. I had to take unpaid time off from work during the most expensive month of the year. My family had to spend four hours in a hospital clinic patiently waiting with me. All of this to confirm that we should do nothing.

I am grateful for the confirmation. I am. I just feel a bit like I've been dragged through the mud for a while. A long while. I just want to take a shower and wash myself clean. Shouldn't that be an easy thing to do? It's a lot harder than it sounds.

So that was my big day. The doctor confirmed for us that we should do nothing more or less than keep our faith in God and trust that His will is what's best for us and we aren't in control here. I'm being deeply challenged. I wish I could say that my faith has stayed solid through all of this, but it's just not true. I've been tested and there have been many moments in which I've failed miserably. But I haven't given up. I'm still hangin on, it might be just by a thread some days, but I'm still hangin on.

Made a Fertility Specialist Appointment

OK, I heard from the nurse and was informed that I'm really lucky to get an appointment so soon - apparently there was a cancellation so my appointment is at 9:00 on Dec 13th. Apparently it usually takes at least a month to get in so I'm grateful that scheduling was in my favor. Don't know the name of the doc yet - I have to call to find out.

I've heard great things about the Women's Center at the University so I'm looking forward to it.

Update

I just got a call from the doc (you know it's never good news if the doc calls instead of the nurse) and apparently the radiologist was reviewing my x-rays and suspected that whatever he was seeing was more significant than what my OB/GYN thought. So they are setting up an appointment with a specialist at the University and I'll know within the next couple of days when that will actually be...

My HSG

The test went much better than expected! I think I was overwhelmed and confused because I had no idea what we would find out, and in some ways I dreaded the results. But my uterus is perfect (praise Jesus) and both tubes seem to have slight "dilation" near the ends but are still open. The doc said we can see a specialist and see what they would recommend but she doesn't think we should do anything. I have mixed feelings about that Often women who have this test done end up getting pregnant right away afterward because the dye (iodine) cleans them out. It's almost like a cleanse in a way.

After the test we were leaving the hospital and Cam was asking what I was thinking and I just became completely overwhelmed and didn't really know what I thought. It all felt so personal and I didn't want to discuss it in public (there was a stranger walking about 15 feet ahead of us) so I ended up crying but didn't really know why. I think I just needed time to process and it felt like Cam was grilling me but I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

Physically I feel just fine. The worst of it was the actual injection which they had to do twice because the doc and tech weren't in sync and the tech didn't realize the doc was doing the first injection so that kind of sucked but Cam brought up the point that maybe that was good since my tubes got a double flush that way ;) It was uncomfortable but I was so prepared for that... and I feel perfect now so it's all good. I imagine I'll still need more time to think about our options but ultimately I can't imagine the test having gone much better than it did. Thank God for that!

21 Days Come to an End

My 21 days of faith experiment ended yesterday. I gleefully broke my fast by enjoying a beautiful meal at Oyama, a wonderful Japanese restaurant with my family last night. I always like eating Japanese food because I feel like I ate something good for me and never feel like I'm going to explode when I leave (except one time several years ago when I had sake and it gave me such bad gas I thought I was going to die - seriously. But that's a different story and believe it or not Tums came to the rescue so I survived. HA!)

Now I'm looking back and reflecting on all the things that the 21 days did in me. What I realized was that going deeper into faith can be frustrating, scary and difficult. My 21 days were a whirlwind of emotions as God called things out of me to deal with. And you know what? I had to deal with them because of my fast from cooked food. Any other time I probably would have noticed God bringing something up and then fighting Him by burying myself in some unhealthy behavior like eating a whole bag of Doritos. I would feel the pain of my weaknesses and self medicate with junk instead of and saying, "Yes, I do this or that, and it's not OK. Jesus help me change it."

So what I'm taking home with me out of this experiment is faith. Not because I asked for a miracle and saw a miracle happen on the outside but because God showed me many small miracles inside and helped me to begin to change the ugly parts of who God never intended me to be.

I started out asking Jesus to step in to my life and help me change my eating lifestyle but the very first night God told me that He wanted to work on something else. And I was pissed! And then God told me he wanted to work on that too!! HA ha. It was a crazy start to something that was supposed to be faith building - God tearing down my useless defenses first. Isn't He smart? But I felt like I was going nuts and the new thing we were working on wasn't going well.

The bedtime routine with my daughter was getting completely out of control so I knew only after God pointed it out (duh) that this was the miracle I needed to see in my life right now. I was spending hours each night trying to get Adi to sleep and much of that time was spent with me crying and cursing God for not helping me. Oh man, did I ever have to repent for that! But I felt alone, I felt abandoned and I felt like there was really no point in praying any more if God wasn't going to answer my prayers.

I had come to a point of giving up on hope and deciding that I was going to have to do it on my own, without the help of my God. It didn't take long for God to set me straight on that because now I felt dead spiritually and my only chance at life was to admit I couldn't do it on my own and I begged Jesus to forgive me and just be with me. I think that was the weekend I desperately needed to be in worship and church but I was scheduled to serve in the toddler room. Funny how that always seems to happen. Kind of like God saying, "Don't depend on worship and church - depend on Me! Turn your eyes to Me!"

My next lesson was patience. This one keeps coming up for me. I don't know if I'll ever get it right. God showed me that I needed to be patient with Adi. She's two and a half. She's just a child - what she needs most from me are love, consistency and patience. So I knew I had to slow down. I had to look at some resources and figure out a plan. And then I had to stick with the plan and finally (and most importantly) I had to be patient!

Another place where patience became vital was in waiting for my period to come. It's so hard to just wait around, not knowing when I'll be able to move on and get my test done and find out what the heck is wrong with me and why I can't seem to stay pregnant. I felt myself getting irritated because I felt very much like I was experiencing PMS (with meltdowns and extreme emotions) but I couldn't tell if it was because I actually had hormones doing crazy stuff or if it was because I didn't have cooked food to turn to. So I had to be patient and wait.

Finally another Sunday came and I was so completely on edge to begin with. I didn't know if I had any faith at all. I was so low and so desperate. And then I had to listen to a testimony about grasping for what we want vs. waiting and receiving what God has for us. Though I had heard the testimony before it threw me way off. I was feeling good about deciding to have the HSG done and then all of a sudden I was forced to consider whether doing so was just grasping and not waiting and receiving. I think I wrote a blog entry about this because it was pretty relevant. Ultimately I came to a place of knowing in my heart that I have two choices. I can continue on the way I have been and take the risk of having many more miscarriages, or I can accept the technology that could tell me what is wrong and possibly help me prevent it from ever happening again. My heart can't keep going through miscarriages. I just can't. I'm getting the test and once again, I feel good about that.

That same afternoon I went to a prophetic ministry time that was wonderful and affirming for me. God told me to keep praying. He told me other things that I desperately needed to hear and I left feeling like Jesus had restored me. I felt my faith grow, my heart heal, and the spirit of joy.

My final week was probably the easiest in terms of faith but the hardest in terms of my fast. I stayed on my fast through both Thanksgiving dinners that we attended and it was miserable. But I did it. Cam was so proud of me and I was just a grumpy old fuddy duddy! But family made it all better and I was grateful to have been able to make a choice between cooked and raw food and that there was an abundance of each. So many people in the world (including right here in our country) aren't so blessed.

This post is already so long. There's so much more I could say and other ways I can see God working in me but I think I just want to close by saying that my faith experiment was exactly what it should have been. Did I see an answer to prayer? Yes, I did. Just not in the way I expected to. I think 21 days was perfect for me and I can't wait until the next faith experiment comes up - if God did all of this in 21 days, I can only imagine what He could do in 40!

Scheduled Appointment

I called my doctor this morning with confidence and a little bit of excitement to finally schedule my HSG. The official appointment is next Wedn the 28th at 7:30 a.m.

I have to admit that hearing a testimony again yesterday that I had heard once before at the women's retreat really had me thinking and second guessing myself. The part that kept playing over in my head was that my friend was writhing beneath the technician's hand as the test was performed, and how violating the experience was for her.

I had to stop and question, once again, whether doing this test was actually an act of loss of faith. That idea felt devastating to me and I just didn't know what the answer was. After Cam and I talked more about it, we agreed that going forward with the test was the right thing for us to do. Though my faith has been a bit shaky as of late, I don't consider my faith to be placed in the medical community rather than Jesus. If anything, I'm more dependent now on Jesus than ever before.

For me, I believe that moving forward with the test is accepting an option that has been laid before me, technological or not (wasn't it God who blessed the individuals with the insight to develop the technology in the first place? That's a whole other question - sheesh). At this point we're opting for a diagnostic test to tell us why we've been pregnant five times but only have one child. To be honest, I don't know exactly what we'll choose to actually "do about it" once we know what the problem is. That's the next step, the next level. And I trust Jesus to help us through that as well.

When I look back at my life and remember some the times I've writhed through something, I can see that something good came from the most memorable (and painful) experiences. I writhed under the hand of the ultrasound technician as we saw the first images of our little Adi in my womb because my bladder was so full I thought it might explode. But we saw a healthy baby in there and that made it worth it. I writhed in my bed for 4 or 5 nights struggling through contractions before I gave birth to my daughter. The writhing was worth it.

Having an HSG and writhing once again beneath a technician's hand will be well worth the possibility of preventing another miscarriage. My heart and mind just won't let me continue running into the same brick wall again. I can't just keep doing what I've been doing the same way and expect different results. I am comfortable and confident in my decision knowing full well what to expect but it will be far far better than enduring the loss of another child.

Oh Sweet Jesus!

I can not believe what a roller coaster I've been on over the past several days. I've gone from angry at God and blaming Him for all my shortcomings, having complete sobbing meltdowns, doubting my ability to parent, feeling like I don't deserve another child, questioning whether I have any faith at all, being shattered into a zillion tiny pieces (most of this happened Saturday and Sunday morning!) to a place of peace and joy. Which leads me to wonder if I'm a complete psychopath!!

Well, blessed be the name of the Lord for He has spoken into my life through a wonderful ministry time at a friends house yesterday afternoon. God reminded me that when I was suffering, he was there. He encouraged me to continue praying and not to give up - which is exactly where I was... about to give up. Jesus picked up every last one of the zillion pieces scattered about and held them in His hands as He lovingly put them back together - and then He blessed them. He encouraged my marriage, gave me permission to rest and reminded me to trust. And there was so much more that I'm still processing. How miraculous and glorious is our God. I stand in awe.

This morning a bittersweet joy arrived with the start of my period. It's so odd to feel joyous when my period finally comes after each miscarriage - it's a sign that my body has healed and I get a fresh start when any other period just means that I'm not pregnant. So 7 to 10 days from now I will undergo the infamously invasive and horrifying dye test... no matter how invasive or how horrifying the test might be I'm grateful to be having it. And I'm choosing to go into it knowing that God gave me lemons and I'm going to make lemonade!!

Days 8-11

Oh man, it's been so hard to keep up with posting lately. Bed time is not going well. I've wondered over the last several days if this faith experiment is more of a faith test! Ugh. The best part about my experiment, believe it or not, is the fast from cooked food. I'm loving it.

I'm on my lunch break right now and I'm eating a Sun Burger on Sun-Dried Tomato Bread. It's fabulous - I love having a dehydrator to be able to make all sorts of amazing alternatives to cooked food. I can't believe it. You really have to check out my raw food blog to see pictures and recipes for some of the stuff I'm eating. And I feel great. I don't really want to eat cooked food right now (that could change at any given second, I'm sure.)

The faith part of my experiment has been shaky and difficult. I realize at certain moments that I have so little faith. And in others I can see that, yes, I do believe that Jesus can be my everything if I just give him a chance!

The daily devotionals as outlined are really helpful for someone like me, someone who has read only bits and pieces of the Bible but ultimately am clueless. Certainly not a theologian and I don't really want to be either.

Somehow I keep on keepin' on even though it feels very empty some days. I'm a little discouraged but don't want to bail on my commitment so, onward!

Day 7

I was in the toddler room this week and missed Nichole's awesome teaching. I'll have to listen to it online. It felt like a chaotic day for me. After church we needed to get Adi down for a nap but she resisted so her nap was cut short.

Then I thought the baby shower we were planning to go to was at 3:30 but at the last minute realized it was actually at 3:00 so we had to shift gears pretty quickly. The shower was wonderful and fun. I love the community and the humor and amazing people and feel so blessed to be able to spend time with them.

Cam had to go to Williamsburg/Marengo to attend a visitation for his great-aunt. I was originally planning on attending with Adi as well but the day felt like too much and Adi's sleep issues certainly wouldn't be helped by the trip. I'm glad we didn't go because Cam hit a dear with the van. Bummer. He said he didn't hurt it, it just broke the headlight on the passenger side so I'm grateful for that.

Day 6

Saturday was an interesting and exciting day for us. I started the day by giving a pregnancy massage to a co-worker's wife. It was good to get some practice since I haven't worked on anyone since before the most recent miscarriage.

In the afternoon we went to Menard's and bought an electric fireplace insert. So now, where we once stored our t.v. is a no-gas, no-wood solution to supplemental heating in the basement. It's so cozy and relaxing. And there's no t.v. in that room now (who knows how long that will actually last) so it's a peaceful space.

We also finally decided to go for it and bought some laminate flooring to replace the ancient allergy catcher carpet upstairs. We found walnut laminate that we just love - and it feels special to choose walnut since we have walnut trees in our back yard. Now we just need to find time to install the stuff!

Day 5

Not much to say. I'm thrilled that by Day 5 I truly don't feel any sense of dread in regards to my fast. Maybe my fast is taking up too much energy, though, because I feel spiritually blah. Not sure if that's just part of the process for me or what...

Day 4

I'm lagging behind a bit on my posts. So day 4 went fairly well. I felt pretty groggy but I'm holding out in hopes of some clarity and vitality. I don't have anything particular to comment on so I'll keep it short :)

Day 3

Initially the reading for day 3 didn't seem to send any particular messages home for me. I feel a little bit like I'm in a zone of some sort. Not sure what that is. It's not negative in any way at all. It's almost a sense of spaciness and clarity at the same time. I went back and read it again and saw this note:


by God’s help, Daniel was able to do the impossible. Daniel needed supernatural help, he asked for it, and he got it. If you find yourself in an impossible—or even just a difficult—situation today, ask for God’s help, and see what happens.


Well, the evening of day 3 Adi went to bed at 8:30. I was sitting on the floor of Adi's room praying that God would help her sleep and was honestly shocked when she fell asleep only 10 minutes after I laid her down, which felt miraculous to me. I was so grateful to be able to make some raw brownies - oh yes, you read that right. I have a recipe for raw brownies that I'll post on the raw blog and it's not at all what you think! I also made some slaw and a salad. I haven't been able to do those kinds of things lately because Adi has been awake so late. It was so refreshing and brought me joy to be able to create some wonderful food for us to enjoy over the next several days. It was actually the highlight of my day!

Day 2

Last night I had an experience that caused me to seriously reconsider what I needed Jesus to do for me over these 21 days. We have been battling bedtime issues with Adi ever since she was born and last night it felt like it all came to a head. If I have a demon, I heard it's voice last night! It was awful. Adi should be asleep by 8:00 and didn't go to bed until 11:00.

In some ways I was wondering if God was testing me to see if I would actually go downstairs and exercise for my 30 minutes after all of that. I was pissed, though, and exercise was the last thing on my mind. So now I realize that maybe God wasn't testing me - maybe he was showing me a piece of me and my lifestyle that needs changing more urgently than what I eat and how much I exercise. Huh.

I don't know how many other people who start on 21 or 40 Days of Faith experiments learn that after only one day that they are asking for the wrong thing. That what Jesus really wants to do for them is very different than what they settled on (because we all have so many needs, don't we? Who's perfect aside from Jesus?)

So although my experience last night was stressful, traumatic in some ways, and humiliating as a parent I am grateful for it. For 2 1/2 years we have had problems with bedtime (with a few short time periods where everything seemed to go OK). My new prayer is:

God, I'm desperate to help my daughter get the sleep she needs. Please guide me toward resources that will help us. I pray that Adi will be blessed with independence to be able to fall asleep without me in the room. And I pray for sanity through the process/transition/changes that need to happen to make it all work. I need your divine intervention, Lord. I can not do it alone so I need you, Jesus.

On the fast side of things, so far so good. I think I'm going to need to ease my way to veggies only (if I still feel like I need to do that in a week or so). Eating all raw is a huge change and is certainly not easy. Especially with treat days at work, family gatherings, and every day life! Ugh, it's so hard (past experience) but I know it will be worth it if it means I get to experience God in a way I couldn't have otherwise. Through a fast - a long complicated fast.

Day 1

I finally brought myself to begin my 21 Days of Faith Experiment. I had planned on starting a week ago but just wasn't ready. I'm a true procrastinator.

The reading for today (which I truly did not read until today) was the most affirming thing I have ever read in my life. Well, maybe that is an over statement but I can't believe how relevant it is.

Daniel 1


11 Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah,
Mishael and Azariah, 12 "Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but
vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young
men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see." 14 So
he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.
15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the
young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine
they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.
17 To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.
18 At the end of the time set by the king to bring them into his service, the chief official
presented them to Nebuchadnezzar. 19 The king talked with them, and he found none equal
to Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah; so they entered the king's service. 20 In every
matter of wisdom and understanding about which the king questioned them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in his whole kingdom.

I put my favorite parts in bold lettering. These are the things I'm taking home with me. I feel like my decision to ask God to help me change my lifestyle in relation to food has been not only affirmed, but He has blessed me with promises of the fruits of doing this.

I feel like I'm off to a good start. I do, however question how far I want to take what I've read. I feel called and inspired to eat only vegetables and drink only water for 10 days. Normally eating raw for me includes fruits, juices, nuts and seeds. Maybe I'm crazy but I think God is asking me to eat as David ate. At least for 10 days...

I'm going to be keeping a food log on an old blog of mine: My Raw Food Experiment. It should be called My Failed Raw Food Experiment but that's not the point. I would like to separate my experience with the food from my experience with Jesus a little bit while I'm blogging. If you are curious about that part you can check out the link on the right.

Prelude to 21 Days

I'm back to work today and though I thought I would be busy, I have a lot of free time today. I'm really grateful for that because I'm able to spend this free time preparing for my 21 days of faith experiment.

I've been thinking over the past several days what it is that I want to ask of Jesus to do for me over the next several weeks in this experiment. It feels like there are so many areas of brokenness and need in my life right now. I'm searching for clarity, peace, and healing but there's something more. Something deeper still that goes into the core of who I am and is emanated all the way to the surface of who I am.

I've noticed over the years that there seems to be a connection physically with each one of my miscarriages, and that connection is a 10 pound weight gain accompanying each loss. I realized that what I'm doing is "self-medicating". Instead of falling on my face before Jesus and asking Him for help and comfort I feed my face and deal alone.

Let me just say that this isn't working! Not only do I feel bad about myself physically but I physically feel bad. I'm completely out of shape and this body that God has blessed me with has been used and abused by laziness and junk food frenzies every time life gets tough. This is really interesting since I'm such an advocate of organic food, vegetarianism, and naturopathic lifestyles. I clearly do not practice what I believe in when things get rough and that in turn makes me feel bad about myself as a person! This is a vicious cycle and it has to end!!

So all the times I've tried to change this and failed - I'm putting them behind me. I'm asking Jesus over the next 21 days to help me change my diet and exercise habits permanently --- into a healthy lifestyle rich in healthy choices every day. And in the difficult moments of life I will reach for Jesus instead of eating eating eating.

Even further, I will commit at least 30 minutes every evening (no matter how late Adi goes to bed and how tired I am) to exercise in some form. I want to dedicate this 30 minutes not only to my health and physical well-being, but to make it a time of prayer and meditation. That I can spend this time with God and talk with Him, listen to Him, engage in His presence.

Part of the faith experiment is to fast from something as well. When I think of fasting, I immediately think of food. Probably because it's the thing in my life that feels most costly to give up since I lean on it so much. I know there are other types of fasts and if I were pregnant or nursing I would certainly choose an alternative. But for me, the greatest results can only come from fasting from food.

I like the idea of eating raw food exclusively. I've tried to do 30 days raw in the past for cleansing purposes but failed after only 10 days. For the sake of this experiment, I'm choosing to fast from cooked food for 21 days. Because I have a real sense of the power of a juice fast, I want to try to do at least a 3 day fresh raw juice fast in the midst of those 21 days. I trust God to tell me when the time is right for that.

Just a quick note on the difference between fresh raw juice and canned or bottled juices. I truly believe that especially when fasting it's detrimental to have the living enzymes and dense nutrients remain intact in the juice. That instant nutrition has made my past fasts feel invigorating and blissful compared to difficult and even painful when bottled juice was used. On my fresh juice fasts I actually had tons of energy and felt fresh and free, and my mind was clear. My ability to hear God in that state was phenomenal because I physically felt well and wasn't spending my time suffering through the fast. Instead it was joyful and exciting and all together wonderful. Just writing about it makes me long for that experience with God again.

21 Days of Faith

I feel like in many ways the order to wait is a hint to embark on a new journey. A friend pointed out a faith experiment that the Boston area Vineyards are doing. I've been a big fan of Dave Schmeltzer, the Senior Pastor, for a couple of years now. So they recently started a faith experiment called 21 Days of Faith (it's usually 40 days but they condensed it to 21 days).

Here's a link to more info on that:
http://www.bostonvineyard.org/classesprograms/40-days-of-faith/
I feel ready to give it a try. I think I could use a lot more faith in this season and I would love to see how God might use this 21 day period in my life.

If you are interested in listening to Dave's sermons, here's a link: http://vcfcaudio.bostonvineyard.org/podcast/vcfgb-podcast.html
I highly recommend checking it out if you have time.

So I guess since I won't have any news on the fertility front for a while I'll blog about my 21 Days of Faith in the mean time. I need to do a bit more research and set my intention for my personal experiment but I'm compelled to start very soon.

Wait and Wait Some More

The doctor wants to wait until my hcg gets down to zero and my first official cycle before doing the HSG. I'm a little bummed, just because part of me just wants to move forward. Truly, though, it's probably best that I have to wait so I have more time and space to properly grieve the loss of this baby. It's so easy for me to forge onward, but when it comes to being in the moment and really experiencing life as it is I'm out of my box. I need to work on that.

So now I wait some more. Here's the patience lesson. God has waited on me all of these years to accept His son and know Him and His word. He's been so patient with me yet here I am still expecting what I want when I want it! So now I choose to wait on God. He's faithfully waited on me and I want to faithfully wait on Him. I know it's my turn to wait, so I pray:

"God, grant me the patience to wait on your plan. To experience this loss for what it is and to really feel it. To know the agony of losing a precious life, a precious child. And as I wait, I pray for Your great wisdom. I pray that I will experience Your truest grace and really know You."

To Be Hurt Deeply

"I have tried and I cannot find either in scripture or history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply."-Charles Swindoll

I found that quote on some one's myspace page and it made me wonder why that's true? Will God use me in this, through this or because of this? I don't know the answer to those questions but I do know that I'm hurting deeply. It really hit me today when I saw a support group website online today that was called "I Never Got to Hold You". When I realized the caliber of that statement and what it meant to me I was ruined for the day.

Yesterday I passed a long tubular shaped thing that looked like a stretched out version of a gestational sac and its contents. It was weird to see that. My past ectopic was different in that I passed small bits and pieces but nothing intact. I think that experience solidified what is really going on and I knew that I really did just lose my baby.

So the past couple of days have been really emotional. The timing seems odd since I started this whole process over 2 weeks ago and I'm just now beginning the grieving process but I'm grateful to be here; finally grieving.

I called my doc today to ask about an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) - the dye test that I refused last time around. When in comes right down to it I just don't think I can handle another miscarriage. At least not without knowing I did everything I possibly could to avoid it. I'm swallowing my stubborn pride and submitting to medical tests that truly could make a big big impact on my life at this point.

I spoke with the nurse about the procedure and I learned that I won't have to go to a specialist for this particular test. She spent so much time explaining everything to me and making sure all my questions were answered before we ended the conversation. It was nice to have someone take that time out and speak so thoroughly to me given my hesitations. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. The thought of going to a different doctor at this point broke my heart and when I got off the phone I cried. I've been doing a lot of that over the past couple of days.

At this point I'm just waiting to hear back about whether the doctor wants to go ahead and do the test on Monday (day 10 of this "cycle" if the doctor considers this my first cycle) or wait until I have my first official cycle. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. That means a lot to me so I think I'm going to stay put for now. I reserve my right to change my mind at any given moment, however ;)

I pray, "Oh God, forgive me for cursing your ways over the past couple of days as I've dealt with some tough emotions. It's so challenging that my nature is to fight you, but of course you always win. I'm learning lessons in trust, patience, and surrender. Not easy lessons for a fighter like me. Thank you for your patience with me. Please keep my heart soft, open my ears so I can hear you when you speak to me. Bless me with strength to obey and hold me when I am weak and can't do much more than cry and beg for peace. Amen.

Thank God for Clary Sage

Thank God I'm finally bleeding. And heavy cramps are the proper accompaniment. I realize that I in many ways I associate the physical pain of the bleeding process with the emotional pain of loss. I'm not so sure what that says other than that I've been through this a few times and that's what I expect and need to process. Moving onward...

Something to Ponder

When I was checking out my Aromatherapy Bible the other day to see what essential oils might help me heal more quickly I found a list of oils that should be avoided in the first 3 months of pregnancy. Among them was lavender oil. I was shocked! My skin care product's main ingredient is lavender oil. I use lavender oil in my massage room when doing shiatsu sessions for relaxation purposes. My liquid hand soap has lavender oil in it. Lavender oil is a part of my every day life!

I wanted to find a natural product at the Co-op that didn't contain lavender oil (or chamomile for the same reason) just in case my products had any part in my last miscarriage. I couldn't find one. It was crazy! And none of them had warnings for pregnant women. I'm sure most women don't have problems but isn't it interesting that my book warned against these oils but no product that contains them does...

Any Recommendations?

Cam and I are thinking about our options for the future. We refused tests of all kinds in the past but are now feeling like we might be interested in having some tests done. I just don't think I can keep doing this. If there is something simple that could be done to prevent future miscarriages I feel like I need to head in that direction. I want to go into that feeling well informed and hearing stories from as many other women as possible. So if you have a story you can share with me I would appreciate it sooooo much!

Also, I'd like to know what doctors come highly recommended. I often feel like OB/GYN is just a crazy place and I like my doc but there are others in the practice that I just don't jive with. I also would love to hear about specialists and I'm curious about the University as I've only been at Mercy thus far.

I can't wait to hear everyone's input. It means a lot to me.

Where I Am and Where I Am Not

After a week long battle with a killer yeast infection I finally gave in and called the doc. I got the prescription pill diflucan to take care of it. I thought I could handle it on my own using homeopathic treatments but the methotrexate wiped out all the good bacteria in my gut and things just weren't working out. Anyone who has had a yeast infection knows how consistently painful it can be. The diflucan is working, though it did make me nauseous. Small price to pay for relief.

I started spotting a little bit yesterday (my 31st birthday - Happy Birthday to me ;) but I'm not bleeding. I need to bleed. I so want this to be over and I don't feel like I can have that closure without the cleansing process. Last time around (ectopic) I happened to have an aromatherapy class and learned that clary sage encourages menstruation so I put some in my bath salts and bled the next day. I'm going to try that again for the sake of my process. I don't even feel like I've lost anything. I must be in some sort of denial. I don't get it. I think I'm confused somehow, maybe just because the whole thing has taken so long? I don't know. I want to mourn but it doesn't seem appropriate yet. Weird.

Shot #2

I received news today that my hcg dropped to 6500 - the doc was hoping for more like 4500 so I got shot #2 in the ER tonight. I wasn't really prepared for whatever reason... I just didn't think that I would need a second dose. I feel so dirty and violated by this medication. I have a whole new heart and perspective for people out there who receive this type of chemo therapy drug for cancer, arthritis, or whatever other ailments they may have.

Methotrexate is saving my fallopian tubes but at no small cost. I expect my symptoms the second time around to be twice as bad or last twice as long or something. I have no idea if that's true, it just makes sense to me. One of the few things that makes sense right now. But life doesn't really need to make sense. Maybe I've just wasted so much time throughout my life trying to make sense of everything. Hmmmm.

What if I just trusted God? What if I just put my faith in Jesus and didn't spend so much energy on this world and it's stuff? Would that make me a better person? A better Christian? What if I stopped thinking and started doing? That's a scary thought. I don't know if I can handle that.

Twinges

Last night was pretty rough. Since Saturday night I had been feeling small twinges in my lower abdomen - mostly on the left side. I thought that was strange considering the ectopic is supposedly located on the right side. Then after church yesterday I realized that the twinges were more on the right now and they were annoying me.

I decided to call the doctor on-call just to verify that what I was experiencing was OK and nothing to be concerned about. She informed me that what I was feeling was most likely the tissue dying and was normal. I interpreted that as "Oh, so what you're feeling now is your baby finally giving up and dying..." It was not only horrifying but devastating as well.

As if it's not bad enough to just know that there is an impending miscarriage, now I have to also experience the sensations of my baby dying inside me. That's intense! I guess on the slightly brighter side I now have an indication that the methotrexate is finally working and I hopefully won't need another dose.

So the waiting continues until tomorrow when I get more blood work done. I pray: Oh Jesus, I need your comfort. Please bless me with patience as I wait. I need your presence through every stage of this miscarriage no matter how long it takes! It feels like so long. Please keep my heart soft and help me face the fire. I don't want to turn away. I want to stay right here. Please stay near Lord. Amen.

More About Child Sponsorship

I realized that I mentioned sponsoring a child in Africa in honor of our lost one but I didn't expand on that at all.

World Vision is a Christian relief and development organization dedicated to helping children and their communities worldwide reach their full potential by tackling the causes of poverty.

If you are interested in learning more about child sponsorship you can visit their website: http://www.worldvison.org/. You can even browse the waiting children and choose a child to sponsor or give a one time gift.

I'm so impressed by what World Vision is doing and I can't wait to do more. I know who's getting my birthday money this year!



"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Matthew 25:40

Hcg Over 7800

I know that methotrexate can take a while to work but the results of my hcg test yesterday were so frustrating! On Tuesday at 5:00 pm my levels were around 4300. So approximately 66 hours later my levels nearly doubled (remember that normal rate of increase is doubling every 48-72 hours).

A shadow of hope for a miracle fell over me - maybe Jesus moved my little one to a safe place in my uterus and it was growing steadily there. The worst part about miscarriage is the roller coaster ride. Ultimately I feel like holding on to a hope that a miracle has taken place is silly and for my own sanity I need to accept this lost pregnancy for just that - even though it's not lost yet and is actually continuing to develop at what could be considered a healthy rate. The whole thing is mind bending.

So I go back on Tuesday for more blood work. I may have to get another shot. I do have to say that if my hcg continues to increase I will demand an ultrasound before allowing them to give me another injection of methotrexate. Oh man, that stuff is just nasty. I can only imagine what it is doing to my body. I feel like I'm going to have to fast for a whole week just to cleanse my system.

I pray: God, I'm in desperate need of peace in this space of waiting. My heart and mind are conflicting forces and I long to be still. Jesus, I bless your name and praise you for your presence surrounding me and my family over these last several days. Amen.

An (edited) Email to a Friend 10/12

So I know this will sound crazy and dishonest but I'm good. Truly. I feel fine. I had a day where I asked God a lot of questions and expressed my anger/frustration/doubt but also asked God to change my heart and allow me to receive His grace - and He did!

I went to the Todd Agnew concert at the Englert last night expecting to be grieving and to be ministered to. Ha! That wasn't what happened at all!! I felt amazing the whole time. God filled my heart with joy! And He even gave me a way to honor my loss for years to come. We sponsored a little girl from Zimbabwe named Nomsa and are so excited to be able to love and bless her and her family even though she's half a world away.

I thank you for your love and prayers. Perhaps I will grieve more when I start to bleed but that hasn't happened yet. In the mean time we are surrounded in God's beautiful grace and know that everything is OK. We're grateful for the blessings we do have and are so amazed by all those who are surrounding us in this.

I want to thank you... for this: "Be still and know I am God" I've fallen on it over and over again through this and am so blessed by these words and their profound meaning.

Ugh! Not AGAIN!

So I had my ultrasound yesterday. It was supposed to be really awesome. I was supposed to see a sac and a little tiny heartbeat. Instead, there was nothing in the uterus. There was, however, a small "thickening" on the right side - suspect of an ectopic pregnancy.

It feels so unfair. I can't help but question God, "What are You doing here? Why didn't You protect me? Your power goes far beyond my physical limitations yet You chose not answer my prayers. You chose not to save this baby! Why do I have to go through this AGAIN?"

In the end it seems completely pointless to even ask these questions. I feel completely forsaken and abandoned by the God I love. I thought I made a deal with him, a little pact that said if I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy I'd rather not get pregnant at all. That's pointless too. Making deals, making imaginary pacts. God's plan is what it is. And if a single person tells me that this was not God's plan for me I will certainly go mad!

I was told to go to the ER to be reevaluated. I assumed that this meant I would have a chance at another ultrasound, that they would check again just to make sure. Rachelle prayed for me before I left and I was believing Jesus for a miracle. We've seen them before. But the doctor refused to let me have another ultrasound. She insisted that the one I had was good enough and proved that this pregnancy was not healthy and that we had no choice but to use methotrexate to treat (or rather terminate) the tubal pregnancy. She insisted that my insurance wouldn't pay for another ultrasound. How absurd. I was pissed!

If there was any room for a miracle yesterday, it wasn't the room I was in. The only thing that eased my decision was the results of my hcg test at the hospital. It was just over 4300. If the pregnancy was indeed progressing normally it would have been over 6000 by then. Those stupid numbers that so often mean very little meant a lot to me over the last week, especially last night.

So now, in my grief and confusion, I wait uncomfortably at home for my miscarriage to begin. My boobs hurt, my crotch itches, I have a headache and I'm nauseous. The only good news I've gotten today is that my short term disability at work will pay me 100% while I'm out and my doctor's office will support my discretion regarding how long I stay out of work. That's a relief, knowing that I won't be forced to jump back into my life as though nothing happened before I'm really ready.

Now I'm off to wait. I pray, "Oh God, I'm so desperate for your comfort but my calloused heart is just that. It's calloused. I need You to change me, make me soft. Help me know Your grace and Your love again. Help me to experience this for what it is, not for what it is not. Help me to understand, or at least accept that this is my burden and Jesus will carry it for me when it feels too heavy to carry on my own. Amen"

Up to 4067

I went for more blood work yesterday and the results were wonderful! If the numbers doubled every 48 hours I would expect 3788 so 4067 is just perfect. I'm so grateful that the number is a little higher than "minimum" rather than lower. What a relief!!

I have an ultrasound scheduled for today at 1:00. I'm praying that the sac will be in the perfect location and that we will be able to see a perfect little heartbeat. I'm so excited and anxious and and and...

From 200 to 947 in less than 72 hours!

I've been feeling a little bit careful about posting so far. Given my history and underlying fear I couldn't bring myself to write until now.

I have actually not been very disciplined with the cheap pregnancy tests I bought from eBay (25 for $8.50 including shipping) and started testing last Tuesday. The first two mornings were pretty disappointing. It seemed like there might be something there but it was so faint I couldn't trust it. By Friday I really thought I was seeing a second line but didn't know if I was just crazy and so hopeful that my mind was making it up. I cried in a moment of joy and then fear set in almost immediately. Maybe this is a false positive. I'll have to test again tomorrow. Saturday morning came and I pulled out my more expensive First Response test that I had been saving. This time, there was definitely a second line. My initial response was not one of joy, but one of confusion and deep rooted fear. The devastating kind of fear. I found myself praying in desperation every free mental moment, "Oh please God let this one be viable, oh please God let this one join our family". It was excruciating.

Finally Saturday night came and thank God we had a dinner to attend with many dear friends. I'm sure my agony was written all over my face but most probably passed it off as anxiety as my return to work was quickly approaching. I was intensely on edge so when Jason inquired I completely lost it. Dear Rachelle saved the day. She took me aside and told me a wonderful story of faith which I will share later. Immediate my spirit was lifted.

Sunday required a little more prayer from Adey and she gave me this prayer that I cling to when I start to slide backward, "Be still, and know that I am God". What a beautiful gift it has been to come back to that prayer and just trust God and what He's doing here.

So Monday I went for my first round of blood work. My hcg was 200 and I later found out that my progesterone is 17.5 - I don't really know what the healthy range is but apparently 17.5 is good. I'm using natural progesterone cream derived from plants as a daily supplement so I'm sure that is helping.

The general rule of thumb with hcg levels is that they are expected to double every 48-72 hours. Given that, I was expecting my repeat test on Thursday to come back with a number around 600. I was pleasantly surprised by the result I got: 947. That's a pretty big jump. What does that mean? Twins? Hmmm....

Another Couple of Cycles

My FDLP was 8/31 and the one before that was 8/3. The good news is that my cycle is really regular at 28 days but the bad news is that I'm still not pregnant. Getting my period a few months ago felt like a new beginning. Getting my period last Friday night felt like utter heart-break and disappointment. The worst part is that I was having all these pregnancy symptoms like sore breasts and nausea so when I got my period it was a real slap in the face. But if I had to choose between my period and another miscarriage, I'll take my period every time!

On Sunday I had an amazing prayer time with Adey at church. I love how she prays with such authority and faith, like she just knows Jesus is listening and he will answer our prayers. I admire the confidence she exudes when she prays. I want to pray like that!

So now on to another month and another cycle. The annual women's retreat that we've been working so hard to prepare for is in just one week (immediately following ovulation!) so I'm really looking forward to that. It's so good to spend a couple of days with women who are on this journey together, walking with Christ and having our lives changed because of what he does in our hearts. It's so beautiful, I just love it! What a blessing.

My prayer for today is this: Oh God, I'm desperate for your peace. I'm full of anxiety and impatience. Lord I lift these burdens up to you, will you carry them for me? I give them to you and ask in their place for rest, patience and trust. Trust that your plan is far better than mine, and your timing is far better than mine. The psalms say "Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the skies" and I believe it. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

FDLP

So Saturday, July 7th is what I like to call my FDLP (first day of last period). I was pretty irritated and yes, even a little pissed when my monthly visitor arrived. I guess from a medical perspective it's probably best that I'm having a full cycle before getting pregnant again but from my perspective it just sucks.

I find myself falling from grace lately. I'm going through a schedule change and now that I'm laid off from work for the next three months things feel very different. Cam and I are having to learn how to be a couple again. We forget to respect each other and it's too easy to bite each others heads off when we get frustrated because we're just not used to having to deal with each other. It's always one on one with Adi and we don't have to respond to how our partner feels about parenting choices when we're apart.

It's not until we are together that we realize how different our parenting styles really are. That, of course, is also difficult for Adi. When we're together she has to test us to find out what the rules are going to be now since she's not used to interacting like a family either. I didn't anticipate the extent of confusion our shift schedules would cause for all of us.

Though the road feels bumpy now, I know it will smooth out soon. And I feel so blessed to have the next three months to spend together as a family, and hopefully grow our family as well. Cam and I are in the process of figuring out what tools we do and don't want to use to help us conceive. I wanted ovulation tests but Cam didn't want to spend the money on them. I think the underlying reason isn't so much the money but the pressure that he feels when the time comes and the technology of knowing more exactly when that is seems to take the joy out of making love and making a baby.

All of the communication Cam and I are having now is wonderful, even in the heated conversations where we don't seem to understand each other so well. This is the stuff that makes us stronger as a couple and family. I pray for God's blessings in this journey. And as always, I pray that when the time comes that Jesus will guide our little one(s) to a safe place in my uterus where healthy development can take place.

More on Maca

I know I was really vague about maca, what it is, does, and how it works so I'm going to try to do a better job of explaining all of that. I'm not an expert but I'll try to represent maca to the best of my ability.

Maca is a root vegetable that is grown in the high Andes Mountains of Peru and Ecuador. The natives experienced the benefits of maca as increased sex drive and fertility. There are many other health benefits as well. This is what macaroot.com says:

Maca is considered by top researchers to be a true adaptogen.

• An adaptogen is a substance which raises the non-specific resistance in an organism.
  
• Adaptogens enable the body to enhance its power of resistance and adapt to external conditions.
  
• They work with the bodies natural rhythms to help rebuild week immune systems, re-mineralize poorly nourished bodies, and increase energy and endurance.

Click on the link I've posted to find out more about specifically how it works.

So when I posted that maca works, the part I was referring to was the increased sex drive. I have to admit that I honestly had no idea how low my libido had been before until I experienced what seemed like a pretty dramatic increase after adding maca to my diet. I did have some confusion surrounding all of that but with a lot of prayer and really close attention to my body I came to understand what was going on I was able to enjoy it.

In terms of fertility the following info is important (from the Natural Fertility Article):

Maca works by controlling estrogen. Levels that are high or low at the wrong time either keep a woman from becoming pregnant or keep her from carrying to term. Estrogen in men produces erectile dysfunction, lack of libido, lowered sperm count and production of seminal fluid!

I think that if you want to use maca to help increase fertility it's important for both husband and wife to take it together. When making a baby is in the forefront any bit of help is welcome, especially from natural sources when possible.

So I hope that helps answer the basic questions about maca. I have some links posted for websites that talk more about maca but I specifically recommend reading the Natural Fertility Article in it's entirety if you plan to use maca to help increase your and your spouses fertility.

Hoooray

My period came today, which explains a lot of things. Food cravings, mood swings, tiredness and the like. I'm glad to have my period back. I feel like I can move on for real now. I don't have to be so careful and I feel a sense of newness. Am I making up words? It's just been a long time since I was actually happy to get my period! Life is so weird.

Maca

Maca works. That's all you need to know. Try it.

PMS

Great news! I think I have PMS. I've been a total bitch all day - but the cool thing is that I catch myself every time and laugh about it, out loud, in a very obnoxious way.

It started out with W4 forms and an internal application that the HR manager asked me to fill out "just to have an updated copy on file" even though nothing had changed! Irritating. Since then it's been one thing after another - very insignificant things come up and I'm sooooo irritated!

Ah, this is the glorious joy we women know as PMS. I know there are many of you men out there that just don't believe in PMS and if that's you, please don't test me now. I'm amazed by the altered consciousness that is a result of mere hormones...

OK, I just felt excited to realize that my crappy day is most likely fueled by a good old fashioned case of PMS. Yipee for me.

Tootleoot.

Hcg = 5

Yeeehaaaw! My hcg is down to 5 which means I don't have to go back and get my arm pricked again next week. That is fabulous news and I'm so pleased that my body is back to the normal level. Man, that was such a trip. But we learned a lot and were loved a lot so it wasn't a total loss.

I'm excited now for my body to go through it's regular cycle and to move on. Cam and I started a raw food vegan diet yesterday and we hope that it will serve many purposes:

• healing
• cleansing
• more energy
• less weight
• icreased libido

Day one was a little rough for me, if you are curious you can click on View my complete profile on the right and check out my blog: Stacey D - My Raw Food Experiment. I hope to add to that daily but we'll see how that goes.

I will continue to post to this blog occassionally. Mostly with updates on things like does maca powder really work and of course I will report when we are prego again - though I can't say how early I would want to post that when it happens. That is yet to be seen.

Hcg = 82

My hormone level is down to 82 which is awesome. I only bled for 11 days this time compared to 7 weeks with my first 2 miscarriages. I feel vibrant, full of life, hope and faith that God will bless us with another pregnancy.

The doc wants me to do a dye test in which a dye is injected into my uterus while a radiologist watches it absorb into the lining of my uterus to determine if the shape of my uterus is the problem. I have some mixed feelings about this procedure.

Pros:

1. The test could show us if there are any abnormalities that could potentially be corrected with surgery
2. We would have peace of mind in knowing that we were checking into potential causes

Cons:

1. I don't like the idea of injecting any foreign substance into my uterus
2. The procedure is potentially painful and includes a risk of infection
3. Having the procedure would prolong the waiting period in which we would be able to try again
4. If the test showed an abnormality I would then be faced with the decision of whether or not to follow through with a surgery (not an appealing option)

I successfully carried and delivered Adi so I know that no matter what the shape of my uterus is I am in fact capable of having a healthy full-term pregnancy.

The cons seem to outweigh the pros for me right now so Cam and I have agreed that we are going to hold off on the test. That may change if we get pregnant and miscarry again, but for now we feel like we need to move forward without invasive tests.

So our prayer is that next time around God will guide our little one(s) to a safe and healthy place in the womb to implant. That the environment there will be welcoming and nourishing, that my body will accept it as my own and harbour it. That we can leave the ups and downs behind and walk forward in faith with Jesus along side us.

This is totally a side but I love learning the meanings of names. My name is from Anastasia which means, "resurrection". This feels so fitting to me right now; I have fallen but I know I will rise again. Thank you Jesus.

Could it Have Been Twins?

So Cam and I were out shopping for a tree in memory of our lost child last Wednesday when I felt a very strange sensation. I hurried to the bathroom only to find I had passed what looked like a second gestational sack. I didn't have it in me to keep it to take to the doctor (I know some people can and do actually do this for pathology tests but I just couldn't!) so I don't have any proof but it seems like there may have been two.

The doctors explanation was that it could have been placental tissue but I don't agree. The theory has come up over and over again by friends and family alike (far before I even had the actual miscarriage) so I guess I'm most inclined to believe that it's true. That I lost twins.

The only thing that this changed for us is that instead of buying one tree in remembrance we decided to buy two. We chose Japanese Maples, for their beauty, longevity and the way the fern like leaves flow so gracefully in the wind. I love the fact that we are able to honor these little lives that didn't come to be with something that will hopefully live on for years to come.

And me, I'm feeling great. Much better than I could have expected. I've had virtually no pain, very little bleeding and a very short freak out period. God is in this with me and knowing that helps me to retain my faith, my hope and my love for God and his kingdom, including this community!

Ultrasound

The doc ordered an ultrasound this evening. I was correct about last night, it was the real thing, the actual miscarriage. It was emotional to find out the truth and to know for sure that we aren't going to have this baby. I guess it took a test with concrete evidence of an empty uterus to make me cry. I will mourn the loss of this little life and trust that God will be here to comfort us and encourage us to keep trying.

Thanks everyone, for praying and supporting us through this whirlwind of an experience. Your love has blessed us beyond words!

Progesterone = 2.5

First I want to say how much I appreciate the nurse, Sue, at my doctors office. I talk to her more often than my own doctor and she is so awesome and supportive. I guess nurses are the unsung heroes of doctor's offices and other medical establishments and though she'll probably never read this I want to recognize how much I appreciate her interactions when I know how crazy busy they are in that office! So blessings to Sue :)

The results of the progesterone test were not surprisingly low (2.5 - whatever that means). The plan was to go ahead and prescribe the enemas, however, I had an experience last night that most likely changes all of that. I believe I had the true miscarriage - though it's hard to know for certain, I believe I passed the gestational sack.

One might think this would have been a horrible, sad and defeating experience. But thanks to God's grace it just wasn't. If anything it was a wonderful relief! If it truly was the real deal, and this whole thing is on it's way to being over then I say, hallelujah! I know that sounds completely crazy, how could I feel that way when we may have lost our little one that we've been waiting for so long to conceive? But my heart has been through so much over the last several weeks and if this is the way it needs to be, I feel blessed to be able to move on.

So at this point because nothing is final yet, I need to wait again to hear back from the doc's office as to whether we are going to do another ultrasound tomorrow or wait for the already scheduled appointment on Thursday. So for now I'm going to enjoy the peace I feel in this moment and wait patiently to learn what the doc wants to do from here.

Still Waiting

I'm still waiting for test results. Out of curiosity I did a little research last night on progesterone. Whenever I'm told that I may need some type of medication, etc. my immediate response is to try and find out how I can get the same results from a natural source rather than a pharmaceutical. I found an article that I thought was really interesting - it talks mostly about women who have had multiple miscarriages (this is my 3rd if I miscarry). The link is on the right under Natural Fertility if anyone is interested.

More tests

I called my OB this morning to let her know that I've been bleeding lightly since Friday night. I was then asked to go for more blood work. This time we're checking progesterone levels. I don't really understand enough about progesterone and what it means but my very basic knowledge is that is has something to do with how the lining of my uterus behaves. I suppose the thought is that if my levels are low then I will have the treat of receiving a progesterone enema! This would be with the intention of maintaining the current pregnancy. I'm not sure why we aren't checking hcg levels as well. I'm totally confused as usual - I don't understand what is happening but I'm feeling OK again (yesterday was an emotionally difficult day). I don't expect results of the most recent test until tomorrow but if I hear sooner I'll post as soon as I can.

May 5, 2007 Email

I'm feeling pretty unstable right now. Cam went to our sister-in-law's birthday party and Adi and I stayed here. I don't really feel like I can talk right now. I don't know what's going on - if this is the miscarriage - if I'm just bleeding because i've over exerted myself - what. It seems like a cruel joke to have seen a heartbeat if i'm just going to miscarry now but I have to trust that God's way is the best way. I feel messed up right now. Whatever. I guess if it weren't for all the technology we have I wouldn't have had a clue in the first place. Sorry so vague, I don't know what else to say...

May 3, 2007 Email

Ugh. I had a little bit of spotting this morning which sent me on a roller coaster of emotions. It was very little with no cramping or anything. The nurse says it's very likely that the inter-vaginal ultrasound may have disrupted the cervix causing some light spotting (this is normal with intercourse early in pregnancy as well). I'm feeling pretty freaked out but OK - left work so I'm at home... Just wanted to let a few of you know.

May 4, 2007 Email

No more spotting since yesterday morning. I think the ultrasound was the culprit. Everything seems to be OK. Thanks everyone!

May 5, 2007 Email

I started spotting again last night - it's now progressed to bleeding. I'm passing small clots... This is really hard! I'm so exhausted emotionally. I just wanted to share the latest.

May 2, 2007 Email

I'm not sure how to write this - I'm still in shock. The quote from my doctor that keeps going through my head is, "it's not normal, I can't to explain it."

This morning we saw a heartbeat. A little tiny heartbeat. The doctor doesn't want to do anymore hormone tests because she says they aren't necessary since we have a healthy heartbeat. The little one measures 6 weeks 3 days.

I'm in awe of what Jesus has done here and I can't quite comprehend why he chose me for this miracle. I've never felt such blessing in my life. This is impossible yet it happened. I don't even know what to do with myself other than praise God!

The only complication now is that the gestational sack is resting on the right side of my uterus which could put me at risk for a complicated pregnancy - the lining of the uterus could potentially wear too thin and rupture, and though this is rare it is something to be careful of.

I have another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks to check progress. I can't even believe that we made it this far. Please continue to pray for healthy development of this precious baby and for strength of my uterus to withstand the awkward position. Thanks to all who have been my prayer warriors, I know that God hears our prayers and he is listening!!

I'm now at home feeling blissfully nauseous and can't wait to take a nap. I will never look at morning sickness the same way again!

April 30th, 2007 Email

OK, so I'm so sorry if this is the first you are hearing of this but I have some stuff going on and I realized that I left a few people out of the loop that I didn't mean to. So if this is the first you've heard of any of this please forgive me and read on to get caught up!

I just wanted to give everyone an update on what's going on with me. According to the first day of my last period I should be 8 weeks pregnant this Wednesday but some blood tests last week showed a drop in my hormone level leading us to believe that we could expect a miscarriage. As of right now I have not miscarried yet. I have not had any symptoms of miscarrying other than a few brief moments of dull cramping that ultimately led to nothing. So all I can do is pray and wait.

I had some follow up tests done this morning and the results were not what we expected to see. Just to recap here are my hcg levels for the 3 test dates:

4/18 - 2600
4/23 - 2000
4/30 - 2800

As you will notice my hormone levels have increased instead of decreasing as expected. This is not normal! I never claimed myself to be a normal person but this for me feels beyond weird. This whole experience has been completely bizarre and I have no idea what is happening here...

So, I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30 to try and find out more. Like I said before, this is not normal and the doc does not want me to take this as a sign to have hope but how can I not have hope? I trust whatever it is that God is doing in this no matter the outcome - though I am a little confused at this point. Please continue to pray that God's will be done and that Cam and I will have peace no matter what happens. Thanks for being in this with us. We love you all so much!

April 24, 2007 Email

I have some not so happy news. I found out this morning that I am going through another miscarriage. I had an ultrasound last Wednesday and it showed a sac in the uterus but it didn't appear symmetrical (whatever that means). My hcg labs comparison came back this morning and the level had dropped from 2600 to 2000 showing that this is not a viable pregnancy.

Naturally I'm very sad to be enduring another miscarriage and your prayers would be so much appreciated. Thanks so much for loving me when I need you all most!

Intro

Cam and I have been on a bizarre fertility journey lately and rather than sending out emails I decided to create a blog that Cam and I can post to. I'd hate to keep emailing people about stuff going on with us when some may not really want to know. This way everyone who wants to know can check it out when they have time and I'm not filling up any one's mailbox with emails.

I'm going to start out by posting some of the early emails I sent for anyone who needs to get caught up and then I'll try to get updates posted as they occur.