Maca

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PMS

Great news! I think I have PMS. I've been a total bitch all day - but the cool thing is that I catch myself every time and laugh about it, out loud, in a very obnoxious way.

It started out with W4 forms and an internal application that the HR manager asked me to fill out "just to have an updated copy on file" even though nothing had changed! Irritating. Since then it's been one thing after another - very insignificant things come up and I'm sooooo irritated!

Ah, this is the glorious joy we women know as PMS. I know there are many of you men out there that just don't believe in PMS and if that's you, please don't test me now. I'm amazed by the altered consciousness that is a result of mere hormones...

OK, I just felt excited to realize that my crappy day is most likely fueled by a good old fashioned case of PMS. Yipee for me.

Tootleoot.

Hcg = 5

Yeeehaaaw! My hcg is down to 5 which means I don't have to go back and get my arm pricked again next week. That is fabulous news and I'm so pleased that my body is back to the normal level. Man, that was such a trip. But we learned a lot and were loved a lot so it wasn't a total loss.

I'm excited now for my body to go through it's regular cycle and to move on. Cam and I started a raw food vegan diet yesterday and we hope that it will serve many purposes:

• healing
• cleansing
• more energy
• less weight
• icreased libido

Day one was a little rough for me, if you are curious you can click on View my complete profile on the right and check out my blog: Stacey D - My Raw Food Experiment. I hope to add to that daily but we'll see how that goes.

I will continue to post to this blog occassionally. Mostly with updates on things like does maca powder really work and of course I will report when we are prego again - though I can't say how early I would want to post that when it happens. That is yet to be seen.

Hcg = 82

My hormone level is down to 82 which is awesome. I only bled for 11 days this time compared to 7 weeks with my first 2 miscarriages. I feel vibrant, full of life, hope and faith that God will bless us with another pregnancy.

The doc wants me to do a dye test in which a dye is injected into my uterus while a radiologist watches it absorb into the lining of my uterus to determine if the shape of my uterus is the problem. I have some mixed feelings about this procedure.

Pros:

1. The test could show us if there are any abnormalities that could potentially be corrected with surgery
2. We would have peace of mind in knowing that we were checking into potential causes

Cons:

1. I don't like the idea of injecting any foreign substance into my uterus
2. The procedure is potentially painful and includes a risk of infection
3. Having the procedure would prolong the waiting period in which we would be able to try again
4. If the test showed an abnormality I would then be faced with the decision of whether or not to follow through with a surgery (not an appealing option)

I successfully carried and delivered Adi so I know that no matter what the shape of my uterus is I am in fact capable of having a healthy full-term pregnancy.

The cons seem to outweigh the pros for me right now so Cam and I have agreed that we are going to hold off on the test. That may change if we get pregnant and miscarry again, but for now we feel like we need to move forward without invasive tests.

So our prayer is that next time around God will guide our little one(s) to a safe and healthy place in the womb to implant. That the environment there will be welcoming and nourishing, that my body will accept it as my own and harbour it. That we can leave the ups and downs behind and walk forward in faith with Jesus along side us.

This is totally a side but I love learning the meanings of names. My name is from Anastasia which means, "resurrection". This feels so fitting to me right now; I have fallen but I know I will rise again. Thank you Jesus.

Could it Have Been Twins?

So Cam and I were out shopping for a tree in memory of our lost child last Wednesday when I felt a very strange sensation. I hurried to the bathroom only to find I had passed what looked like a second gestational sack. I didn't have it in me to keep it to take to the doctor (I know some people can and do actually do this for pathology tests but I just couldn't!) so I don't have any proof but it seems like there may have been two.

The doctors explanation was that it could have been placental tissue but I don't agree. The theory has come up over and over again by friends and family alike (far before I even had the actual miscarriage) so I guess I'm most inclined to believe that it's true. That I lost twins.

The only thing that this changed for us is that instead of buying one tree in remembrance we decided to buy two. We chose Japanese Maples, for their beauty, longevity and the way the fern like leaves flow so gracefully in the wind. I love the fact that we are able to honor these little lives that didn't come to be with something that will hopefully live on for years to come.

And me, I'm feeling great. Much better than I could have expected. I've had virtually no pain, very little bleeding and a very short freak out period. God is in this with me and knowing that helps me to retain my faith, my hope and my love for God and his kingdom, including this community!

Ultrasound

The doc ordered an ultrasound this evening. I was correct about last night, it was the real thing, the actual miscarriage. It was emotional to find out the truth and to know for sure that we aren't going to have this baby. I guess it took a test with concrete evidence of an empty uterus to make me cry. I will mourn the loss of this little life and trust that God will be here to comfort us and encourage us to keep trying.

Thanks everyone, for praying and supporting us through this whirlwind of an experience. Your love has blessed us beyond words!

Progesterone = 2.5

First I want to say how much I appreciate the nurse, Sue, at my doctors office. I talk to her more often than my own doctor and she is so awesome and supportive. I guess nurses are the unsung heroes of doctor's offices and other medical establishments and though she'll probably never read this I want to recognize how much I appreciate her interactions when I know how crazy busy they are in that office! So blessings to Sue :)

The results of the progesterone test were not surprisingly low (2.5 - whatever that means). The plan was to go ahead and prescribe the enemas, however, I had an experience last night that most likely changes all of that. I believe I had the true miscarriage - though it's hard to know for certain, I believe I passed the gestational sack.

One might think this would have been a horrible, sad and defeating experience. But thanks to God's grace it just wasn't. If anything it was a wonderful relief! If it truly was the real deal, and this whole thing is on it's way to being over then I say, hallelujah! I know that sounds completely crazy, how could I feel that way when we may have lost our little one that we've been waiting for so long to conceive? But my heart has been through so much over the last several weeks and if this is the way it needs to be, I feel blessed to be able to move on.

So at this point because nothing is final yet, I need to wait again to hear back from the doc's office as to whether we are going to do another ultrasound tomorrow or wait for the already scheduled appointment on Thursday. So for now I'm going to enjoy the peace I feel in this moment and wait patiently to learn what the doc wants to do from here.

Still Waiting

I'm still waiting for test results. Out of curiosity I did a little research last night on progesterone. Whenever I'm told that I may need some type of medication, etc. my immediate response is to try and find out how I can get the same results from a natural source rather than a pharmaceutical. I found an article that I thought was really interesting - it talks mostly about women who have had multiple miscarriages (this is my 3rd if I miscarry). The link is on the right under Natural Fertility if anyone is interested.

More tests

I called my OB this morning to let her know that I've been bleeding lightly since Friday night. I was then asked to go for more blood work. This time we're checking progesterone levels. I don't really understand enough about progesterone and what it means but my very basic knowledge is that is has something to do with how the lining of my uterus behaves. I suppose the thought is that if my levels are low then I will have the treat of receiving a progesterone enema! This would be with the intention of maintaining the current pregnancy. I'm not sure why we aren't checking hcg levels as well. I'm totally confused as usual - I don't understand what is happening but I'm feeling OK again (yesterday was an emotionally difficult day). I don't expect results of the most recent test until tomorrow but if I hear sooner I'll post as soon as I can.

May 5, 2007 Email

I'm feeling pretty unstable right now. Cam went to our sister-in-law's birthday party and Adi and I stayed here. I don't really feel like I can talk right now. I don't know what's going on - if this is the miscarriage - if I'm just bleeding because i've over exerted myself - what. It seems like a cruel joke to have seen a heartbeat if i'm just going to miscarry now but I have to trust that God's way is the best way. I feel messed up right now. Whatever. I guess if it weren't for all the technology we have I wouldn't have had a clue in the first place. Sorry so vague, I don't know what else to say...

May 3, 2007 Email

Ugh. I had a little bit of spotting this morning which sent me on a roller coaster of emotions. It was very little with no cramping or anything. The nurse says it's very likely that the inter-vaginal ultrasound may have disrupted the cervix causing some light spotting (this is normal with intercourse early in pregnancy as well). I'm feeling pretty freaked out but OK - left work so I'm at home... Just wanted to let a few of you know.

May 4, 2007 Email

No more spotting since yesterday morning. I think the ultrasound was the culprit. Everything seems to be OK. Thanks everyone!

May 5, 2007 Email

I started spotting again last night - it's now progressed to bleeding. I'm passing small clots... This is really hard! I'm so exhausted emotionally. I just wanted to share the latest.

May 2, 2007 Email

I'm not sure how to write this - I'm still in shock. The quote from my doctor that keeps going through my head is, "it's not normal, I can't to explain it."

This morning we saw a heartbeat. A little tiny heartbeat. The doctor doesn't want to do anymore hormone tests because she says they aren't necessary since we have a healthy heartbeat. The little one measures 6 weeks 3 days.

I'm in awe of what Jesus has done here and I can't quite comprehend why he chose me for this miracle. I've never felt such blessing in my life. This is impossible yet it happened. I don't even know what to do with myself other than praise God!

The only complication now is that the gestational sack is resting on the right side of my uterus which could put me at risk for a complicated pregnancy - the lining of the uterus could potentially wear too thin and rupture, and though this is rare it is something to be careful of.

I have another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks to check progress. I can't even believe that we made it this far. Please continue to pray for healthy development of this precious baby and for strength of my uterus to withstand the awkward position. Thanks to all who have been my prayer warriors, I know that God hears our prayers and he is listening!!

I'm now at home feeling blissfully nauseous and can't wait to take a nap. I will never look at morning sickness the same way again!

April 30th, 2007 Email

OK, so I'm so sorry if this is the first you are hearing of this but I have some stuff going on and I realized that I left a few people out of the loop that I didn't mean to. So if this is the first you've heard of any of this please forgive me and read on to get caught up!

I just wanted to give everyone an update on what's going on with me. According to the first day of my last period I should be 8 weeks pregnant this Wednesday but some blood tests last week showed a drop in my hormone level leading us to believe that we could expect a miscarriage. As of right now I have not miscarried yet. I have not had any symptoms of miscarrying other than a few brief moments of dull cramping that ultimately led to nothing. So all I can do is pray and wait.

I had some follow up tests done this morning and the results were not what we expected to see. Just to recap here are my hcg levels for the 3 test dates:

4/18 - 2600
4/23 - 2000
4/30 - 2800

As you will notice my hormone levels have increased instead of decreasing as expected. This is not normal! I never claimed myself to be a normal person but this for me feels beyond weird. This whole experience has been completely bizarre and I have no idea what is happening here...

So, I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30 to try and find out more. Like I said before, this is not normal and the doc does not want me to take this as a sign to have hope but how can I not have hope? I trust whatever it is that God is doing in this no matter the outcome - though I am a little confused at this point. Please continue to pray that God's will be done and that Cam and I will have peace no matter what happens. Thanks for being in this with us. We love you all so much!

April 24, 2007 Email

I have some not so happy news. I found out this morning that I am going through another miscarriage. I had an ultrasound last Wednesday and it showed a sac in the uterus but it didn't appear symmetrical (whatever that means). My hcg labs comparison came back this morning and the level had dropped from 2600 to 2000 showing that this is not a viable pregnancy.

Naturally I'm very sad to be enduring another miscarriage and your prayers would be so much appreciated. Thanks so much for loving me when I need you all most!

Intro

Cam and I have been on a bizarre fertility journey lately and rather than sending out emails I decided to create a blog that Cam and I can post to. I'd hate to keep emailing people about stuff going on with us when some may not really want to know. This way everyone who wants to know can check it out when they have time and I'm not filling up any one's mailbox with emails.

I'm going to start out by posting some of the early emails I sent for anyone who needs to get caught up and then I'll try to get updates posted as they occur.