Wait and Wait Some More

The doctor wants to wait until my hcg gets down to zero and my first official cycle before doing the HSG. I'm a little bummed, just because part of me just wants to move forward. Truly, though, it's probably best that I have to wait so I have more time and space to properly grieve the loss of this baby. It's so easy for me to forge onward, but when it comes to being in the moment and really experiencing life as it is I'm out of my box. I need to work on that.

So now I wait some more. Here's the patience lesson. God has waited on me all of these years to accept His son and know Him and His word. He's been so patient with me yet here I am still expecting what I want when I want it! So now I choose to wait on God. He's faithfully waited on me and I want to faithfully wait on Him. I know it's my turn to wait, so I pray:

"God, grant me the patience to wait on your plan. To experience this loss for what it is and to really feel it. To know the agony of losing a precious life, a precious child. And as I wait, I pray for Your great wisdom. I pray that I will experience Your truest grace and really know You."

To Be Hurt Deeply

"I have tried and I cannot find either in scripture or history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply."-Charles Swindoll

I found that quote on some one's myspace page and it made me wonder why that's true? Will God use me in this, through this or because of this? I don't know the answer to those questions but I do know that I'm hurting deeply. It really hit me today when I saw a support group website online today that was called "I Never Got to Hold You". When I realized the caliber of that statement and what it meant to me I was ruined for the day.

Yesterday I passed a long tubular shaped thing that looked like a stretched out version of a gestational sac and its contents. It was weird to see that. My past ectopic was different in that I passed small bits and pieces but nothing intact. I think that experience solidified what is really going on and I knew that I really did just lose my baby.

So the past couple of days have been really emotional. The timing seems odd since I started this whole process over 2 weeks ago and I'm just now beginning the grieving process but I'm grateful to be here; finally grieving.

I called my doc today to ask about an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) - the dye test that I refused last time around. When in comes right down to it I just don't think I can handle another miscarriage. At least not without knowing I did everything I possibly could to avoid it. I'm swallowing my stubborn pride and submitting to medical tests that truly could make a big big impact on my life at this point.

I spoke with the nurse about the procedure and I learned that I won't have to go to a specialist for this particular test. She spent so much time explaining everything to me and making sure all my questions were answered before we ended the conversation. It was nice to have someone take that time out and speak so thoroughly to me given my hesitations. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. The thought of going to a different doctor at this point broke my heart and when I got off the phone I cried. I've been doing a lot of that over the past couple of days.

At this point I'm just waiting to hear back about whether the doctor wants to go ahead and do the test on Monday (day 10 of this "cycle" if the doctor considers this my first cycle) or wait until I have my first official cycle. The conversation I had with the nurse made me realize how much this woman has actually been there for me through the last two miscarriages. That means a lot to me so I think I'm going to stay put for now. I reserve my right to change my mind at any given moment, however ;)

I pray, "Oh God, forgive me for cursing your ways over the past couple of days as I've dealt with some tough emotions. It's so challenging that my nature is to fight you, but of course you always win. I'm learning lessons in trust, patience, and surrender. Not easy lessons for a fighter like me. Thank you for your patience with me. Please keep my heart soft, open my ears so I can hear you when you speak to me. Bless me with strength to obey and hold me when I am weak and can't do much more than cry and beg for peace. Amen.

Thank God for Clary Sage

Thank God I'm finally bleeding. And heavy cramps are the proper accompaniment. I realize that I in many ways I associate the physical pain of the bleeding process with the emotional pain of loss. I'm not so sure what that says other than that I've been through this a few times and that's what I expect and need to process. Moving onward...

Something to Ponder

When I was checking out my Aromatherapy Bible the other day to see what essential oils might help me heal more quickly I found a list of oils that should be avoided in the first 3 months of pregnancy. Among them was lavender oil. I was shocked! My skin care product's main ingredient is lavender oil. I use lavender oil in my massage room when doing shiatsu sessions for relaxation purposes. My liquid hand soap has lavender oil in it. Lavender oil is a part of my every day life!

I wanted to find a natural product at the Co-op that didn't contain lavender oil (or chamomile for the same reason) just in case my products had any part in my last miscarriage. I couldn't find one. It was crazy! And none of them had warnings for pregnant women. I'm sure most women don't have problems but isn't it interesting that my book warned against these oils but no product that contains them does...

Any Recommendations?

Cam and I are thinking about our options for the future. We refused tests of all kinds in the past but are now feeling like we might be interested in having some tests done. I just don't think I can keep doing this. If there is something simple that could be done to prevent future miscarriages I feel like I need to head in that direction. I want to go into that feeling well informed and hearing stories from as many other women as possible. So if you have a story you can share with me I would appreciate it sooooo much!

Also, I'd like to know what doctors come highly recommended. I often feel like OB/GYN is just a crazy place and I like my doc but there are others in the practice that I just don't jive with. I also would love to hear about specialists and I'm curious about the University as I've only been at Mercy thus far.

I can't wait to hear everyone's input. It means a lot to me.

Where I Am and Where I Am Not

After a week long battle with a killer yeast infection I finally gave in and called the doc. I got the prescription pill diflucan to take care of it. I thought I could handle it on my own using homeopathic treatments but the methotrexate wiped out all the good bacteria in my gut and things just weren't working out. Anyone who has had a yeast infection knows how consistently painful it can be. The diflucan is working, though it did make me nauseous. Small price to pay for relief.

I started spotting a little bit yesterday (my 31st birthday - Happy Birthday to me ;) but I'm not bleeding. I need to bleed. I so want this to be over and I don't feel like I can have that closure without the cleansing process. Last time around (ectopic) I happened to have an aromatherapy class and learned that clary sage encourages menstruation so I put some in my bath salts and bled the next day. I'm going to try that again for the sake of my process. I don't even feel like I've lost anything. I must be in some sort of denial. I don't get it. I think I'm confused somehow, maybe just because the whole thing has taken so long? I don't know. I want to mourn but it doesn't seem appropriate yet. Weird.

Shot #2

I received news today that my hcg dropped to 6500 - the doc was hoping for more like 4500 so I got shot #2 in the ER tonight. I wasn't really prepared for whatever reason... I just didn't think that I would need a second dose. I feel so dirty and violated by this medication. I have a whole new heart and perspective for people out there who receive this type of chemo therapy drug for cancer, arthritis, or whatever other ailments they may have.

Methotrexate is saving my fallopian tubes but at no small cost. I expect my symptoms the second time around to be twice as bad or last twice as long or something. I have no idea if that's true, it just makes sense to me. One of the few things that makes sense right now. But life doesn't really need to make sense. Maybe I've just wasted so much time throughout my life trying to make sense of everything. Hmmmm.

What if I just trusted God? What if I just put my faith in Jesus and didn't spend so much energy on this world and it's stuff? Would that make me a better person? A better Christian? What if I stopped thinking and started doing? That's a scary thought. I don't know if I can handle that.