A Hard Holiday

As I'm surfing my friends blogs this morning I realize that I haven't posted anything for a while. The past week or so has been spent in somewhat of a funk. I'm sure a lot of factors go into that - PMS (period however unwelcome came on Monday) and Mother's Day, though a blessed day is always hard.

I'm so grateful for Adilyn. God was so generous in His blessing when He trusted us to be her parents! I still think that's just amazing, and that she's just amazing. This little girl has changed everything about how I look at life and I'm in awe of God's creation in her. She makes me want to be a better person, to know Jesus more so that our whole family can be founded on the love that Jesus has for all. And my heart sings because I am not just a daughter and a wife but I am also a mother.

I've never known anything in my life more clearly than that I would one day be a mother. Of course that's always looked a little different in my imagination that what it's looking like in reality. The biggest difference is that I only have one child with me here on earth. The others were lost before I even knew their names, before I got a chance to hold them and tell them face to face that I love them. That's the hardest part about Mother's Day for me. Before I ever became a mother I was a woman who had lost a child. It's so hard to find God in that, to find reason in that. So I cling to this:

God made me a mother. I have a beautiful daughter, Adilyn Rose. I will love her, protect her, and teach her about Jesus. I will probably screw up somewhere along the way, but I also know that God is gracious and has a sense of humor, so with any luck I won't screw up too bad. I may be overprotective at times but I'd rather be safe than sorry. And hopefully some day I will be able to give Adi a little brother or sister. The latter part is in God's hands and I trust Him, even though that can be so stinkin hard to do sometimes!

Praise God and thank you Lord, for making me a mommy.