Whoa, What Was That?

I wrote this post last Thursday but held on to it before publishing because I felt like there was something much deeper going on than what I was seeing at the time. I really wanted to process a bit more before putting it out there:

Oh my GOSH! My co-worker just came in and was complaining about his ankle/foot or whatever. He mentioned Cortisone injections and I cringed because I know what overuse of the stuff can lead to... just more and more problems. He got pissed off at me and went off about how I shouldn't say anything at all if I didn't know what I was talking about, of course using a series of choice words in the process. He proceeded to attack my "natural cures" mentality and went on and on...


I didn't even have time to defend myself. I just started bawling. And then hyperventilating. I don't know if I've ever cried like that before. Certainly not at work. Between gasps for air I managed to tell my co-worker about my last 3 miscarriages - I've been wanting to do that for a while now. I had to go to the bathroom and get on my knees and pray, I wasn't sure what was going on or why I was so emotional. I seriously could not breathe!

So now looking back on all of that, I can see several things happening. I've been praying for my co-worker for a while now, he tends to be a bit grumpy and I pray for undeniable, inexplicable joy. I saw that I've been wishing him nothing but good things and when he attacked me personally it broke my heart. It reminds me of a time when I was looking to adopt a cat. I went to the animal shelter and took a kitty out of it's cage to play with her and for no reason at all she went nuts and bit me. I cried because I thought she was lovely and I wanted to give her a good home but she just attacked me. It broke my heart.

Then I considered the fact that he had directly attacked a core piece of who I am. For years and years now, I've believed in and researched natural cures for every ailment I've encountered. When the doctors told me that they can't "fix" me so I won't have any more miscarriages I was forced to believe that it was my responsibility to find out how I can prevent it from happening again through health and nutrition. So in a way my co-worker's attack went far deeper than he could have ever meant it to. He not only attacked me but he also attacked my hopes.

Next. here is a quote from an email conversation I later had with this co-worker: "I guess I can make any day a bad day for others. Maybe at 60 11/12 I should work on that. " Looking at that now I realize, wow. Could God be in this in a bigger way than I anticipated?

Finally, at the close of service at church on Sunday, Adey shared that she had a sense of 5 people needing healing from something. I asked God if that was me, and I came to know that the answer was no. Somehow in those long moments of gut wrenching wails, desperate gasps for breath and deep seeded cries for mercy while on my knees in the bathroom floor changed me. I didn't feel different right away, just broken. But Jesus was there with me and in that devastatingly vulnerable space he healed my heart. Who is this king of glory? My Jesus! My friend, my savior, my healer, my redeemer. Holy holy!!