Another Street Light

God blessed me with a miracle last night, Adi went to bed at 8:30. Small miracle, I know, but for me it was heavenly. That meant I had time to pack my breakfast and lunch for today and do a few dishes, the basic stuff I don't get to do when Adi won't go to sleep until 10 or 11. I was filled with glee and thought to myself, "wow, just imagine how great it would be if this could be the routine every night." I realized just how much all of this bedtime stuff was taking its toll.

So I'm driving along feeling pretty good this morning because for the first time in a while I wasn't running late for work. Then it happened. Another stinkin street light went out just as I was passing. Now maybe other people notice this happening all the time too and just choose to ignore it, which is fine. I decided that I was going to ask God about it this morning and I felt like he said just listen.

I reached out to turn off the radio but something made me pull back and I left it on. I was listening to the end of a song and then the d.j. and then I drifted. A short conversation I had recently popped into my head:

friend: "so where are you on the fertility front these days"
me: "well, doc told us to wait until January to try again to be sure I'm clear of methotrexate"
friend: "so are you just counting days again"
me: "no, not really....(I proceed to tell her about this months cycle, blah blah blah).... I guess we've kinda felt like not really trying for a while. Just let whatever happens happen..."

I asked God if He disapproved of my response. I asked Him what He would have wanted me to say. It was the truth. I asked Him if He wanted conception in the foreground instead of the background. Then I cried. I told Him that it was too hard; that it took too much energy. That I wanted it to be fun, happy, exciting and lovely. Not scary, difficult, full of fear and doubt and littered by the past.

I realized I hadn't completely healed. So I asked Him to change me, change my heart, heal me and guide me. I can't do it on my own. I've been trying so hard to do so much on my own and push the hard stuff aside. Funny what God tells you when you just listen.