More About Child Sponsorship

I realized that I mentioned sponsoring a child in Africa in honor of our lost one but I didn't expand on that at all.

World Vision is a Christian relief and development organization dedicated to helping children and their communities worldwide reach their full potential by tackling the causes of poverty.

If you are interested in learning more about child sponsorship you can visit their website: http://www.worldvison.org/. You can even browse the waiting children and choose a child to sponsor or give a one time gift.

I'm so impressed by what World Vision is doing and I can't wait to do more. I know who's getting my birthday money this year!



"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Matthew 25:40

Hcg Over 7800

I know that methotrexate can take a while to work but the results of my hcg test yesterday were so frustrating! On Tuesday at 5:00 pm my levels were around 4300. So approximately 66 hours later my levels nearly doubled (remember that normal rate of increase is doubling every 48-72 hours).

A shadow of hope for a miracle fell over me - maybe Jesus moved my little one to a safe place in my uterus and it was growing steadily there. The worst part about miscarriage is the roller coaster ride. Ultimately I feel like holding on to a hope that a miracle has taken place is silly and for my own sanity I need to accept this lost pregnancy for just that - even though it's not lost yet and is actually continuing to develop at what could be considered a healthy rate. The whole thing is mind bending.

So I go back on Tuesday for more blood work. I may have to get another shot. I do have to say that if my hcg continues to increase I will demand an ultrasound before allowing them to give me another injection of methotrexate. Oh man, that stuff is just nasty. I can only imagine what it is doing to my body. I feel like I'm going to have to fast for a whole week just to cleanse my system.

I pray: God, I'm in desperate need of peace in this space of waiting. My heart and mind are conflicting forces and I long to be still. Jesus, I bless your name and praise you for your presence surrounding me and my family over these last several days. Amen.

An (edited) Email to a Friend 10/12

So I know this will sound crazy and dishonest but I'm good. Truly. I feel fine. I had a day where I asked God a lot of questions and expressed my anger/frustration/doubt but also asked God to change my heart and allow me to receive His grace - and He did!

I went to the Todd Agnew concert at the Englert last night expecting to be grieving and to be ministered to. Ha! That wasn't what happened at all!! I felt amazing the whole time. God filled my heart with joy! And He even gave me a way to honor my loss for years to come. We sponsored a little girl from Zimbabwe named Nomsa and are so excited to be able to love and bless her and her family even though she's half a world away.

I thank you for your love and prayers. Perhaps I will grieve more when I start to bleed but that hasn't happened yet. In the mean time we are surrounded in God's beautiful grace and know that everything is OK. We're grateful for the blessings we do have and are so amazed by all those who are surrounding us in this.

I want to thank you... for this: "Be still and know I am God" I've fallen on it over and over again through this and am so blessed by these words and their profound meaning.

Ugh! Not AGAIN!

So I had my ultrasound yesterday. It was supposed to be really awesome. I was supposed to see a sac and a little tiny heartbeat. Instead, there was nothing in the uterus. There was, however, a small "thickening" on the right side - suspect of an ectopic pregnancy.

It feels so unfair. I can't help but question God, "What are You doing here? Why didn't You protect me? Your power goes far beyond my physical limitations yet You chose not answer my prayers. You chose not to save this baby! Why do I have to go through this AGAIN?"

In the end it seems completely pointless to even ask these questions. I feel completely forsaken and abandoned by the God I love. I thought I made a deal with him, a little pact that said if I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy I'd rather not get pregnant at all. That's pointless too. Making deals, making imaginary pacts. God's plan is what it is. And if a single person tells me that this was not God's plan for me I will certainly go mad!

I was told to go to the ER to be reevaluated. I assumed that this meant I would have a chance at another ultrasound, that they would check again just to make sure. Rachelle prayed for me before I left and I was believing Jesus for a miracle. We've seen them before. But the doctor refused to let me have another ultrasound. She insisted that the one I had was good enough and proved that this pregnancy was not healthy and that we had no choice but to use methotrexate to treat (or rather terminate) the tubal pregnancy. She insisted that my insurance wouldn't pay for another ultrasound. How absurd. I was pissed!

If there was any room for a miracle yesterday, it wasn't the room I was in. The only thing that eased my decision was the results of my hcg test at the hospital. It was just over 4300. If the pregnancy was indeed progressing normally it would have been over 6000 by then. Those stupid numbers that so often mean very little meant a lot to me over the last week, especially last night.

So now, in my grief and confusion, I wait uncomfortably at home for my miscarriage to begin. My boobs hurt, my crotch itches, I have a headache and I'm nauseous. The only good news I've gotten today is that my short term disability at work will pay me 100% while I'm out and my doctor's office will support my discretion regarding how long I stay out of work. That's a relief, knowing that I won't be forced to jump back into my life as though nothing happened before I'm really ready.

Now I'm off to wait. I pray, "Oh God, I'm so desperate for your comfort but my calloused heart is just that. It's calloused. I need You to change me, make me soft. Help me know Your grace and Your love again. Help me to experience this for what it is, not for what it is not. Help me to understand, or at least accept that this is my burden and Jesus will carry it for me when it feels too heavy to carry on my own. Amen"

Up to 4067

I went for more blood work yesterday and the results were wonderful! If the numbers doubled every 48 hours I would expect 3788 so 4067 is just perfect. I'm so grateful that the number is a little higher than "minimum" rather than lower. What a relief!!

I have an ultrasound scheduled for today at 1:00. I'm praying that the sac will be in the perfect location and that we will be able to see a perfect little heartbeat. I'm so excited and anxious and and and...

From 200 to 947 in less than 72 hours!

I've been feeling a little bit careful about posting so far. Given my history and underlying fear I couldn't bring myself to write until now.

I have actually not been very disciplined with the cheap pregnancy tests I bought from eBay (25 for $8.50 including shipping) and started testing last Tuesday. The first two mornings were pretty disappointing. It seemed like there might be something there but it was so faint I couldn't trust it. By Friday I really thought I was seeing a second line but didn't know if I was just crazy and so hopeful that my mind was making it up. I cried in a moment of joy and then fear set in almost immediately. Maybe this is a false positive. I'll have to test again tomorrow. Saturday morning came and I pulled out my more expensive First Response test that I had been saving. This time, there was definitely a second line. My initial response was not one of joy, but one of confusion and deep rooted fear. The devastating kind of fear. I found myself praying in desperation every free mental moment, "Oh please God let this one be viable, oh please God let this one join our family". It was excruciating.

Finally Saturday night came and thank God we had a dinner to attend with many dear friends. I'm sure my agony was written all over my face but most probably passed it off as anxiety as my return to work was quickly approaching. I was intensely on edge so when Jason inquired I completely lost it. Dear Rachelle saved the day. She took me aside and told me a wonderful story of faith which I will share later. Immediate my spirit was lifted.

Sunday required a little more prayer from Adey and she gave me this prayer that I cling to when I start to slide backward, "Be still, and know that I am God". What a beautiful gift it has been to come back to that prayer and just trust God and what He's doing here.

So Monday I went for my first round of blood work. My hcg was 200 and I later found out that my progesterone is 17.5 - I don't really know what the healthy range is but apparently 17.5 is good. I'm using natural progesterone cream derived from plants as a daily supplement so I'm sure that is helping.

The general rule of thumb with hcg levels is that they are expected to double every 48-72 hours. Given that, I was expecting my repeat test on Thursday to come back with a number around 600. I was pleasantly surprised by the result I got: 947. That's a pretty big jump. What does that mean? Twins? Hmmm....

Another Couple of Cycles

My FDLP was 8/31 and the one before that was 8/3. The good news is that my cycle is really regular at 28 days but the bad news is that I'm still not pregnant. Getting my period a few months ago felt like a new beginning. Getting my period last Friday night felt like utter heart-break and disappointment. The worst part is that I was having all these pregnancy symptoms like sore breasts and nausea so when I got my period it was a real slap in the face. But if I had to choose between my period and another miscarriage, I'll take my period every time!

On Sunday I had an amazing prayer time with Adey at church. I love how she prays with such authority and faith, like she just knows Jesus is listening and he will answer our prayers. I admire the confidence she exudes when she prays. I want to pray like that!

So now on to another month and another cycle. The annual women's retreat that we've been working so hard to prepare for is in just one week (immediately following ovulation!) so I'm really looking forward to that. It's so good to spend a couple of days with women who are on this journey together, walking with Christ and having our lives changed because of what he does in our hearts. It's so beautiful, I just love it! What a blessing.

My prayer for today is this: Oh God, I'm desperate for your peace. I'm full of anxiety and impatience. Lord I lift these burdens up to you, will you carry them for me? I give them to you and ask in their place for rest, patience and trust. Trust that your plan is far better than mine, and your timing is far better than mine. The psalms say "Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the skies" and I believe it. Thank you Jesus. Amen.