Welcome New Year!

I feel promise of hope swelling up inside of me in anticipation of a new season, a new year. As I sang in church on Sunday I was feeling so steady, hopeful and even excited for what 2008 has in store.


2007 was a really difficult year. Littered with miscarriages, the grief and pain in many ways overshadowed the rest of the year. I often relate my life in song lyrics, and The Mountain by Third Day says "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God." I've seen a few valley's over the past year and I look forward to an upward climb.

I have a few goals for the new year. Mostly surrounding healing of the body, mind and spirit. There have been so many moments over the past several months in particular that had me throwing my arms up and frantically asking God why I even bother trying anymore. Why do I bother praying, why do I bother seeking when each piece of the puzzle gets more and more difficult to place than the one before it.

I go deeper and deeper into my layers and I'm learning that the surface wounds are the easiest to heal. The stuff that's been covered up and hidden by the next layer - that's the stuff that is particularly difficult to resolve. It's so much easier to leave the layers alone. Why is being a Christian harder than not? Why does God make us work so hard? I trust that one day I will have answers. I get to make a choice here: I choose to seek Jesus.

So as I move into a sort of rebirth, I vow to deal with all of my stuff. In Jesus alone each layer that is revealed will be healed, not just recognized but forever changed. This is the power of doing life in Christ. And I don't want to do it any other way.

I look forward with my head held high. My hopes held even higher and my God in the highest. I praise His name for He created me and though I am stubborn, and often ignorant to His ways He is always with me and always has been. And most of all, He loves me. More than I can fathom.

Jesus' Birthday

We tried so hard to really emphasize Christmas as Jesus' birthday for Adi. Though she's just a 2 1/2 year old, I think our efforts payed off.

Christmas morning the bud on our ancient Christmas cactus given to us by Cam's great-grandmother was in full bloom. For days Adi and I have been watching the bud, gently stroking it and blessing it. When Adi saw it in full bloom she excitedly ran over to it and nestled in to admire it. Then she asked me, "did God make it?" and I replied, "yes, honey, God made it". I've been teaching her a bit about things made by God, and things made by humans. She decided that morning that I was wrong, or more certainly she was testing me as she responded to my affirmation, "No, I made it!" Ha ha. Little doodle :)

When we were finally ready to go downstairs to open presents Adi proclaimed that we were opening presents that God was sharing with us! I just loved having God and Jesus so present in our Christmas celebration. I don't think I had that as a child but it is so heart warming to hear Adi talk about them throughout the day. Now I just have to figure out how to teach her about the Holy Spirit!

After opening gifts, including one from our much down played version of Santa, we baked a birthday cake together as a family for Jesus. Adi loves to help in the kitchen in any way possible so it turned out to be a fun and tricky endeavor as we guarded the butter from tiny hands that like to snag a "taste" the size of a walnut and tried half-heartedly to keep her from eating the cake batter once the raw eggs were added (half-heartedly because I have a most likely false sense of security surrounding our free-range organic eggs...)

Hearing Adi tell family members that we baked a birthday cake for Jesus was a joy for me. They may have thought we were a tad weird or maybe going overboard, but I feel like putting Jesus first on His birthday is the only way for our family to celebrate.

Fine, how are you?

When asked how I am doing my standard response these days is "fine, how are you?" The truth is, I'm not really sure a lot of the time. I'm mostly stressed, a little over scheduled for the holidays and a bit disconnected. Does God ever ask us to step back and take a look around us? I feel like He's asking me to do that. To just stop thinking, planning and analyzing and take a look around. I wonder what He wants me to see.

I've been encountering a strange phenomena several times per week since I had my two doses of methotrexate in October. Lights go out around me. Sometimes as I approach, sometimes as I arrive, but most recently it's usually just after I've already passed by. I might not consider this strange except it's been so very frequent. I joked with Cam after the fourth light in our house burnt out in my presence over the course of only a couple of days that I was radio-active from the drug and I was making all the lights burn out.

It didn't stop at house lights, though. It's been street lights and business sign lights. Whatever. I notice in passing too frequently that lights are going out all around me. I don't know what it means or even if it is significant in any way. God talks to me in weird ways sometimes, maybe this is something I should pay attention to. Then again, maybe I'm only being silly and reading too much into a common occurrence that I just happen to be witnessing more often than normal. At any rate, it has caught my attention...

Massage Boards

Over the past week I've been studying for hours on end to prepare for my national board exam massage therapy and body work (after putting it off for, oh, let's say about six months). I don't think my brain has been expected to absorb that much information in that short of a time period in many many years. I felt pretty rusty, and though I was getting a lot of info to stick, I couldn't be completely sure that it was the right info.

While traveling to the test center I felt like I needed to be prepared for defeat. I was mentally positioning myself to be OK with having to spend an additional $225 to retake my exam after I failed it. In the midst of the mental prep work I was doing, I decided to pray for a miracle instead. Yes, I had studied A LOT over the past week, but quite honestly I didn't do much else to prepare before then. I kept putting it off. I didn't have the energy or focus to even think about taking the test. I felt really emotionally (and physically) overwhelmed by the series of miscarriages and all the events surrounding them and studying for a test was the last thing I wanted to do.

But the powers that be enforce a deadline for a reason, for people like me. The procrastinators. I had to pick a date and it ended up being Saturday, December 22nd. The timing couldn't have been more stressful with the holidays fast approaching and many Christmas obligations to think about as well as the unanticipated HSG and infertility specialist visit. My plate has been full, but instead of a full plate of gourmet delights it's felt like eating frozen t.v. dinners that were cooked in a microwave. (The microwave part is only funny if you know about our nearly psychotic aversion to microwaves and the fact that I'd rather not eat than eat something that I know was nuked. We don't even own a microwave anymore - we sold it at a church garage sale a couple of years ago :)

So back to the test. I sat down in my little cubby hole with a PC set up for the exam. My test was multiple choice (thank God, seriously!) but many other people taking other types of exams obviously had to type essays. I tried the soundproof headphones they provided but then I could hear my own heart beating in my head and I thought I would go insane so I had to remove them and accept the clickety clicking on either side of me as part of the experience.

I would venture to say that I positively knew one out of every five questions. It didn't take me long to start reinforcing my earlier thoughts of mental preparedness for failure. I was taking note as to what I should study for next time and even considering which study guides I should purchase for the next time around.

Again, I prayed for a miracle and asked Jesus to just highlight the correct answers for me even if I had not a glimpse of a clue (this was the majority of the test for me). I remember feeling like I just spent the whole prior week studying all the wrong stuff, or at least just not going deep enough. I think the only thing that saved me (aside from Jesus of course) was the fact that I had a pretty decent understanding of Traditional Chinese Medicine and there were several questions about TCM on the exam.

After I finally completed the test the system made me take a survey and then that was it! I knew others had told me that they were told right away if they passed or failed - but they all passed. I must have failed if the computer wasn't telling me. I prayed again for a miracle. As I was leaving one of the attendants (who I have to just say didn't seem to have a clue what he was doing) told me to just sign out and my results would be mailed to me.

I knew I had failed for sure. I had to have failed. Just as I was leaving the other attendant came back in from break and asked if I had gotten my printout. I obviously hadn't so she got it for me. It was a letter. I didn't even really want to read it, I figured it was info about rescheduling. Then I saw the magic word. Congratulations! I was completely shocked, confused, amazed, grateful, crying and more all within only a few seconds. How could this be? I passed! Holy holy - praise God. Miracles do happen. And they really do happen to me.

Thank you Jesus, thank you for hearing me. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for being everything for me.

Photos by Ellie Nelson

Check out Ellie's website:

http://web.mac.com/elliandle/pgp/Welcome.html

Fertility Specialist Appointment

Yesterday was the big day. I had no idea what to expect going in to the appointment, I assumed the doctor would look at my films, ask a few questions, give his recommendations and then send me on my merry way. Of course that's not really how it went.

Cam and Adi came along, what great sports they were! The first hour was spent waiting, giving info to the nurse, waiting some more. Finally we met the doctor, a young woman (unfortunately didn't catch her name) who took more information, asked more questions and finally looked at my films. All of this was in intervals as she left the room to ask a question or check on something. I felt a little discouraged because I knew she was a new doctor but she was really sweet and thorough so who am I to complain?

After looking at my films an ultrasound was ordered, which I did not expect at all. It was quick and easy and really not a big deal. It was nice to have confirmation that my uterus is really quite nice - the tech cheered "yay! look how pretty it is!" my response was, "you know you've come to a weird place in life when you look at your uterus and describe it as pretty". Honestly I think the ultrasound was the most entertaining part of my visit. Strange but true.

So after the ultrasound, we waited some more. I can't believe Adi did so well. She was amazing, and Cam was too. Finally, about 4 hours after we arrived the doctor came back into the room toting Dr. Syrop. HURRRRAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! I was so relieved to know that the final recommendation was to be given by a seasoned expert. I'm so sorry sweet young doctor lady - I'm sure if she was in my position she would understand.

Dr. Syrop's recommendation was nothing. Ha ha. Can you believe it? I was a bit confused, but that was what I got. He saw no value in surgery. We are getting pregnant, just not staying that way. And while we could do surgery, there is no guarantee that we won't miscarry again. Ultimately, we have a slightly elevated chance of miscarriage than the lady next door, but statistically speaking we have a better chance of having a viable pregnancy than a failed one. I thought that was really interesting.

The plan is that if we encounter another ectopic pregnancy, we will do laprascopic surgery to remove it rather than using methotrexate. That way we will be able to get a better picture of what is going on in there with dual purpose. I liked that alternative, at this point I would prefer to have surgery than recieve another dose of methotrexate. That stuff is just aweful. As a matter of fact, Dr. Syrop recommended that we wait at least until January to try getting pregnant again because the methotrexate hangs out in the fatty tissues for quite a while and we don't want to risk birth defects because of it!

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about everything. In many ways I wish the radiologist had kept his mouth shut. Harsh, I know. I would have been (and was) happy to accept Dr. Adam's recommendation to do nothing further and just go with it. I feel in some ways like yesterday was a very costly day for me.

I had an initial freak out of, "oh crap, what if something really serious is wrong with me - is that why I have to go see a specialist?" My faith and values have taken a beating over the past two weeks (more really) as Cam and I have disagreed at length about what to do - he wanted to do nothing and I wanted to do whatever the doctor said we should do. I had to take unpaid time off from work during the most expensive month of the year. My family had to spend four hours in a hospital clinic patiently waiting with me. All of this to confirm that we should do nothing.

I am grateful for the confirmation. I am. I just feel a bit like I've been dragged through the mud for a while. A long while. I just want to take a shower and wash myself clean. Shouldn't that be an easy thing to do? It's a lot harder than it sounds.

So that was my big day. The doctor confirmed for us that we should do nothing more or less than keep our faith in God and trust that His will is what's best for us and we aren't in control here. I'm being deeply challenged. I wish I could say that my faith has stayed solid through all of this, but it's just not true. I've been tested and there have been many moments in which I've failed miserably. But I haven't given up. I'm still hangin on, it might be just by a thread some days, but I'm still hangin on.