I'm Not Stupid, I Was Just Grieving!

So now that I've been back to work for a few weeks and things are starting to get busier, I'm feeling hyper-sensitive to things going on around me. For instance, the project manager of my main project has been giving work that I could be doing to a co-worker on a different project. I assume this is because he doesn't think I've been trained on the "new" process using the Mac instead of the PC. This isn't true, I learned the process early this week. So I wonder how many hours I've spent dinking around and waiting for work the past few days when I could be working on my assigned project?

I'm also noticing that as tasks are assigned and shared, I tend to get the mindless ones. If I were to, for example, build a book (sorry for the publishing references, I don't know how else to explain what's going on...) the people giving me the work sort of hesitate, like their thinking, "are you sure you can handle this?" The normal healthy me would be offended by this, and I was. But what is coming to light is my state of mental and emotional health over the last couple of years that I've worked in this department.

During that time I've had two miscarriages, finished massage school and accepted a full-time position in this department that I'm not really qualified to work in (no college degree). While in the process of grieving the losses of two pregnancies (and the build-up of having lost 4 total) I most certainly have NOT been functioning at full capacity over the past couple of years. Why this just hit me today, I don't know. But it feels like I need to somehow communicate this to my team. I doubt it's appropriate, though. I want to shout, "I'm not stupid, I was just grieving! I feel better now, Jesus is healing me more every day and I can think and I can learn and I am a valuable team member!" Surely I will never say these things, only exemplify them.

So now for my own sake, I just say thank you Jesus for the work you've done in me. To heal me and to help me move on, past the shadow of the valley of death, past grieving, and on to many things new.