Dreams of Encouragement

This is a story about faith. About love, honor, persistence and triumph. I've learned so much about God and His nature through the experiences of multiple miscarriages, secondary infertility, and finally the blessing of a healthy pregnancy. I've learned that God is good, no matter what my circumstances. I've learned that God wastes nothing, every experience in life can be used to bring good. I've learned that God does not seek to punish (for this was satisfied on the cross) but He wants us to learn, to love, and to follow the example of His son Jesus Christ.

There are many parts of my story that might be hard to understand, maybe even hard for some people to believe. That's OK, because it's my story. It happened to me and is as real as the baby growing in my womb. I can't write it all in one post so I'll break it up into several, and I'm sure the story will continue until this baby is born and the promise is fulfilled. I'll do my best to share the journey thus far in easy to read segments.

After our last miscarriage in October of 2007 we went through some medical tests to try and find an answer to why I was able to become pregnant but not stay that way. I hadn't wanted the tests originally but gave in once it felt as though one more loss would kill me. I was looking for answers from man. Was there something physically wrong with me? I just wanted to be told that a doctor could "fix" me and everything would be OK. That's not what I got. The answer instead was something like, "you have a slightly increased chance of miscarriage because of thickening at the end of your fallopian tubes but it's not worth the risks of surgery to try and fix anything because it wouldn't really make a difference." Not what I wanted to hear.

So we had some options. We could do IVF or take fertility drugs to increase our chances. We wanted to give it some time. We set a one year time limit. A year came and went and no new pregnancies. I did, however, have a dream.

In my dream, a co-worker was pregnant. She said to me, "Isn't it so exciting that nine new women are pregnant?" I felt a twinge of bitterness and resentment and responded, "Yeah, great." Then she said, "Don't worry, you'll be next. It will be soon." I knew this was a dream from the Lord and that He was encouraging me. So my response was to seek out all the women I could find who were pregnant, counting along the way. Anxious to get to number nine. Then nine came and went and I had to figure out what the significance of nine really was. The Lord doesn't give us numbers in dreams for no reason. They are always significant.

About then I had an annual exam with my OB/Gyn and we discussed more options. At that point, the only non-invasive option was a fertility drug to increase my chances of getting pregnant sooner. Like most drugs, there was a list of side effects a mile long and I couldn't bring myself to do it. God promised I would be pregnant again soon, it's just hard for us to know what "soon" actually means in God's terms ;) So we went on, month after month with nothing. Until I had another dream.

In this dream I gave birth to a baby boy. Cam and I had picked out the name Sage for a boy before Adi was born. We even struggled with whether or not to use the name for her by making it more feminine with the spelling: Saige. In the end, Adilyn Rose felt so special to us and perfect for her and we saved the name Sage for our first born boy. The significance of the name is that in this dream there were two men who told me I could not name my baby boy Sage. That God had chosen a different name. When I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night I thought, "Oh, I can remember that name. It's a longer version of my name, I won't forget it, I don't need to write it down..." When I woke up in the morning I had forgotten the name completely, but did remember that I could not use the name Sage.

I believe that God speaks to me through dreams. He's spoken to my friends through my dreams and I pray He will always continue to do so. Without these dreams I would not have had the encouragement to continue to trust God's timing. As much as I wanted to take matters into my own hands throughout the years of waiting, I always knew that God was up to something and if I did things my way I might screw up something really amazing that He has in store. The more I know the Lord, the more I want what He intends for me above what I desire for myself. Abundant blessing comes in yielding to the Father. It might take longer than we think it should, but the reward will be great.

Praise God We're Pregnant!

On December 17th I decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn't feel pregnant. My period wasn't late yet. But we were getting ready to go to Grandma Marsha's for Christmas in two days and though I had given up drinking beer and wine (part of the story I'll tell later) we'd had a couple of very stressful weeks and I was ready for some wine, I was already planning it. But I had a strong sense that I needed to use the pregnancy test I had sitting in the cupboard, leftover from the last time I took a hopeful test - they're cheaper in two packs. I knew somehow that I was pregnant even though I felt nothing. Even still, the test results actually surprised me!

Because we've had so many miscarriages (four total - one before Adi then: Sept '06, May '07, and Oct '07) it's standard to start out with all sorts of tests, taking blood samples to check HCG and progesterone levels but we didn't want to go through all of that this time. We were just going to trust God and wait for the first OB appointment at just under 7 weeks to see an ultrasound. The doc was cool with that so we just had to wait.

The decision to trust was easy, but the process was long and difficult. I told very few very close friends who I knew would be able to pray with power and authority over this pregnancy and I had to do some serious prayer to keep myself from sinking into fear. I did some declarations - biblical statements declaring why I would fear no evil and declaring that this was God's creation and this baby would be born. We hadn't even tried to get pregnant in December, after all (we were too busy trying to keep our dog Ihry alive - and she is, miraculously alive and well). This was all God, His will, His timing, His creation.

So here is the first ultrasound at 7 weeks. It's hard to see but you can see in the photo a dark egg-like area. That is the yolk sac. You can see two plus signs on the left side of of the yolk sac and the blurry thing between those plus signs is the embryo :) Once I saw the heartbeat on the monitor I couldn't even speak. I was too busy crying to even remember to ask for the official due date (I now know that it is 8/25/10). As soon as the doctor left the room I got on the floor and praised God. I didn't even have my clothes on and the floor could have been filthy but I didn't really care. This was the most amazing blessing, to know that my pregnancy was viable.

Cam and Adi came with me to my 11 week appointment because we were supposed to listen to the heart beat and I thought it would be fun for them to be there. My doctor surprised us by doing an ultrasound instead. Again you can see a dark egg-shaped area and the light colored stuff is the baby. Oh my how our babe has grown!

This one is my favorite. The head is on the left side of the oval and you can see a little arm sticking up. Then all the way to the right you can see the little a little leg sticking up too.

The baby was bouncing around in there during the ultrasound. It was so cool to see the baby so active. How wonderful. Adi thought it was weird, I'm sure it was totally weird for her. It barely looks like a baby yet, but she's been bonding with her little sibling already by talking to, hugging and singing songs to my belly. So sweet, she'll be an amazing big sister.

So yes, there's much more to this story but I wanted to get the news out first. We're finally expecting our 2nd child after trying for four years! Yes, it's been that long. We started trying when Adi was only 9 months old because we wanted our kids close in age. It didn't work out that way but I know God's way is the best way.

Some Adi Pics for Grandma Marsha

I've been working on a lot of projects around the house lately getting ready to launch an in-home daycare! That's been quite a process and I'll post about that later. There are too many other fun things to talk about first. So we had to buy a new computer because our PC crashed (for the 2nd time) and I lost some photos. Not too many, but we lost other files too and I'm not so good at doing backup, etc. So we chose to get a Mac. Macs are much more reliable and fun, to be honest. One of Adi's favorite pass times is to take photos on the macbook. Here is one of Adi and I and her blanky.

Speaking of blanky, I am please to announce that Adi decided it was time to put blanky away and it is now sharing a home with my blanky from when I was a kiddo :) Another favorite pass time is having her picture taken with the cats. Here she is with Bella.
Of course dress-up is always a favorite way to spend the many long indoor hours of winter. Here is a beautiful gown creation by Miss Adilyn. She used an old dress of mine and fancied it up a bit, she did a great job!
Mojo and Adi and chillin on the bed. We had to medicate him recently for a urinary infection, poor guy. He's also on kitty prozac in hopes that he will quite peeing on what would be the floor (he uses a puppy training pad instead of the litter box).
Is this the coolest froggy fairy you've ever seen or what?
OK, so I had to get some pics out there because I have some other stuff to write about that will include some photos but maybe not as many as our very photogenic Adilyn Rose.